Match reports

Yellow: Jim, Darren, Colin, Tufan, Eliseu
Red: Ahmet, James, Richard N, John G, Daniel

Right. So let’s get something straight before we start. I’m not sexist.
5-a-side and arguably the muddiest game since autumn 2010. And welcome back to John his first game of 2012 and to Darren, an enforced absence due to moving home – a false dawn though, he’s about to have his first child!�
A scrappy first half. Richard N got a lovely left foot shot to open the scoring after no one could get control in the Yellow area. After that the lead swap hands a couple of times, the scoring of each goal alternating from one team to the next. Red fluffed a hatful of chances and Yellow made them pay by taking theirs. Included in these first half goals were at least three goalkeeper nutmegs, the worst of which was a tight-angled shot from Darren on the right that had the power of an eight-year old, nay, six year old girl which deflected in between John G’s legs and in doing so knocked him over and he almost took the goal with him. Another ping-ponged around the heads of defenders and attackers alike, finally falling to Jim (has he scored since buying those fluorescent boots!?) who could only head against the bar but it looped out for Tufan to nod it down and in. 6-4 to Yellow at the break.
The second half was a different affair, much more open end-to-end stuff. Red got us started with a very quick goal within ten seconds of the re-start. Yellow responded with three of their own to make it 8-5 with half an hour left. They didn’t score after that and Red drew level. And then Yellow scored an amusing own goal. I missed what happened apart from the ball rolling into the Yellow net but it quickly became apparent that Darren had taken a “safe” throw back to Eliseu in goal. He didn’t control it and it trickled in. Red were very gentlemanly about it and scratched it off as they didn’t want to win like that. They wanted to score their own goals which Daniel promptly did with an awful scrappy finish to put them ahead. Ahmet made a lovely diving save to keep out a Tufan shot and keep Red in front.
And with seven minutes left she sauntered over and onto the pitch to interupt the game. A lady. I think we now know who ate all the pies. She looked as if she hadn’t run since….since….she looked as if she hadn’t run. And asked to join our team! Not necessarliy today but she wanted to join an amateur team (what gave it away?) to play every Sunday and ideally mixed. Now, correct me if I’m wrong but we’re quite a male-looking bunch of blokes? Tufan in goal had made an effeminate double-handed flap earlier but his beard surely makes things clear? So with the time-honoured excuse of “no girls” supported by “it’s bit fast and rough” I sent her packing. Except she didn’t. Ahmet made it quite clear that we were in the middle of a game, as if that wasn’t plain enough already (and I’ve since received an email stating he thought she was after a piece of him!). And I clarified that we’d never had girls play with us. But she didn’t budge and seemed adamant that we would welcome her with open arms (Can’t…quite…reach…..around). “What team do you play for?” she asked. I explained we weren’t a team, just a random bunch of well-to-do chaps who’d made acquaintances in the workplace or at university. This seemed to register. “You’re not a proper team?” I replied in the negative. “Oh.” And with a various recommendations of contacting the council, the East Dulwich Forum or general web-search, she ambled off. But the fact we weren’t a proper team seemed to have had the biggest impact. WTF??!!?? Not good enough for you??
Anyway, the stoppage seemed to give yellow the collywobbles and they capitulated in the remaining minutes with almost every Red attack ending with Colin picking the ball out of the net. Not his fault – an absent defence, commiting too much up front trying to restore parity.  And as the chalked-off goal would have made no difference to final result (and wouldn’t have been scrubbed off at a less significant juncture) I’m going to put it back on!

Final score: Red 13 – 8 Yellow

Final score: Red 6 – 6 Yellow

Final score: Yellow 5 – 4 Red

Yellow (5): Colin, Ahmet, Oz, Steve, Jean
Red (4): James, Jack, Daniel, Paulo

Oh the weather outside is frightful. And the Rye looks so delightful. And since we’ve no place else to go. Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow!

Nope, Bruce Willis didn’t show up. But the die hards did! Hehaythankyouverymuch!

Once again, it was looking bleak with Oz drumming his fingers waiting for everyone. But then Daniel appeared. And then Steve. And the trickle became became a flood with Colin, James and Ahmet arriving. Jack then made it uneven followed by two other randoms who sauntered over to watch the spectacle of people playing football in snow and were convinced to join us. It turned out that Jean (sp?) and Paulo were from Brazil and this was the first time they’d ever seen snow! Paulo borrowed some studs, Jean stuck with his working/hiking boots. And we’re off….

Skill went out the window – the ball either skidded off the compacted surface in the middle of the pitch or got stuck in the fresh snow around the periphery and rolled bigger and bigger to make a snowman. Both of which meant that either the ball or your feet didn’t do what your brain had envisaged which in turn led to a lot of giving away possession and a couple of comical goals.
Plenty of chances at both ends and both teams held a lead. 5-5 at half time. A close counterattacking game with neither team getting more than a couple in front but in the last five or so minutes Yellow made the extra man count and everything went in. James was the most frustrated of Red but then that’s no surprise – he wore the same boots as Jim did last week.
But Everyone scored. And what of the Brazilians and their first time playing in snow? Yup, you guessed it, they put us to shame. And one of them in hiking boots! Life just is just so humiliating sometimes.

Final score: Yellow 15 – 11 Red

Five men stood there. Waiting and waiting and just when they decided to call it a day, Ahmet sauntered over. Never have you seen a group of men so happy. From cancelled game to 3-a-side is a sharp change of emotions for anyone. And it only got better when Liam appeared. But just to lap up most of the attention, Jack appeared. Four-a-side. Huzzah. And then Jim revealed new shiny fluorescent Predator boots. Things were just getting better and better and better.

Yellow: Ahmet, Jack, Richard N, Jim
Red: James McG, Liam, Daniel, Richard P

Yellow got three in quick-succession to get us started but Richard P answered with a lovely rising shot in at the top near post from a tight angle after some lovely Red passing around the box – goal of the game. Jim dived to save after Richard N had taken the sting out of the shot but he must have been paid to arch his body into a ball-shaped hole to let it in. Ahmet got several rockets. Yellow’s biggest advantage was a three goal lead at 4-1, 5-2, and 6-3. Red got it back to just the one at 7-6. Liam went close with a magnificent diving header for the cameras after a quick chipped corner from Daniel who later skewed a shot onto the bar after James made a hash of an open goal. Richard P took one in the goolies. I would proffer that Red easily had the most shots but with frustratingly woeful finishing which made Yellow’s goals all the more significant. A great fast counter-attacking game and very enjoyable. And how many goals for Jim’s new boots? A brace? A hatrick you say? No. 0. But how he and his generous team mates tried.
Matt – you would have just made the teams uneven. Ya drunken bum – Where were ya? Where were ya?

Final score: Yellow 10 – 6 Red

Red (3): James, Richard N, James C
Yellow (4): Gerald, Colin, Daniel, Jim N

El Classico? Non. El not quite so classico. I think I’m not alone in describing this as rather indescript kind of game.
Daniel was late.
Colin was later.
Gerald, not to be outdone, was very late.
The one pass rule was introduced for the foursome. For something so simple, it always seems to cause a disproportionate amount of confusion.
The only other point of note was Jim N – source of the only stand-out moments of the game: Great keeping in his first stint and a wonderful inch-perfect top corner shot from half-way. Luverly!

James C – Man of the match. A very effective cog in the Yellow machine and as an infrequent visitor to the Rye you forget his style which definitely works to his advantage. Familarity breeds contempt for the rest of us.

Unsporting moment: Richard N being bent over double with a fit of the giggles after some quip. Daniel hadn’t heard the joke and calmly dribbled around the incapacitated form.
If you weren’t there, it was one of those games that you wouldn’t have been bothered if you’d missed it. Oh, hang on….er….

Final score: Yellow 12 – 16 Red

Red: James, Richard P, Daniel, Colin
Yellow: Richard N, Oz, Jim N, Tufan

Not quite the showing the number of raised hands two evenings prior led us to believe. But my my, the lack of attendance was more than made up for with sheer grit, determination and puff!
Jeremy even turned up to take photos. Which proved pointless as it discouraged anyone from doing anything noteworthy. However, once he left it all happened. A bit like that KitKat panda advert from 20 years ago.
Lots of chances to open the scoring but various people were guilty of squandering the opportunities. It wasn’t until the 25 minute that some quick one touch pinging around the box led to Richard N scoring the opener for Yellow. This opened the floodgates and they racked up three more goals, the most impressive being Jim N scoring from a tight angle. James got a consolation shortly before the break but the scoreline doesn’t say what was in the tin. Yellow up 4-1 at half time.
Red were the first to score in the second half but Oz replied immediately with a low daisy cutter. Daniel, while waiting for a corner, then spotted Jim N (his opposite number) off his line. He caught the incoming ball, swivelled and hoofed it….everything turned into slow motion as the ball soared up and back down again…on target….it bounced behind the keeper but sadly just too short and curled over the bar. James wasn’t going to take this sitting down and his efforts inspired his team to a fightback. He got a hatrick, Richard P fired a lovely shot in from the left and Daniel poked in the equaliser.
Everyone wanted this and there were some really tired people out there. The final chance came as the ball fell for James, five yards out. He whacked it goalwards but Oz just manged to get a firm foot in the way and the clock beeped as the ball went out for a throw – you can’t get much closer to a winning goal than that! Hard graft by all – A really impressive first game of the season.

Final score: Yellow 5 – 5 Red

Version Richard:
Yellow: Richard P, Tufan, Matt, Liam, Jack, Nick, Ahmet
Red: James, Richard N, Oz, Jim N, Gerald, Darren, Colin

Yellow scored first, Red equalised, then Red scored again. 2-1 at half time.
Second half: Red stretched lead to 3-1. But Yellow pulled back, scoring 3 in succession to take it to 3-4. Red equalised, 4-4. Then in last 3 minutes Reds nicked it – 5-4

Version Oz:
Yellow: Ahmet, Jack, Liam, Matt, Nick, Richard P, Tufan
Red: Colin, Darren, Gerald, James McG, Jim N, Oz, Richard N

1st half: Oz opened the scoring for red early on and Ahmet replied a little later. Red scored again (can’t remember who. Any ideas?). Half ended 2-1 to yellow.
2nd half: Yellow scored again, I think through Matt after a bad goal kick. Oz made it 3-2 for Red with a penalty following a hand-ball, I think by Richard P. Colin scored for red to make it 3-3. Can’t remember if this was the one that slipped through Matt’s butter fingers. Yellow scored again (can’t rememebr who) to make it 4-3. Colin scored again for red, 4-4. In the last few minutes Ahmet scored to end the game 5-4 to yellow.

Both sides had chances to steal the game and both hit the plastic-work, teams were well balanced and it was a very close match. Very competitive and enjoyable.

Reply El Capitano:
Thank you for reports.
However, not being funny but…..

Richard P says Reds scored in last few minutes to win 5-4
Oz says Yellow scored in the last few minutes to win 5-4

Which is correct?

Reply Oz:
I must’ve got the team colours mixed up! Knew this would happen!

Reply Richard P:
No Oz was right. Yellows won.

Reply (exasperated) El Capitano:
James – please help me! What actually happened?????

Reply James:
Hehe!  I was on yellow, on the losing team!  Reds won 5-4.  Ahmet strike that was never going to be stopped.  I was SO angry, I had the ball at the back 4-4 a couple of minutes left, no passing options so I went over to the side of the pitch for safety, was tackled and the ball spilled amid-pitch – it fell into the path of the MOST DANGEROUS PERSON WHO WAS LEFT FREE – foot raised, ker-pow, crack, GOAL for yellow, heartbreak for Red.  Jim N had a gilt-edged chance a minute later but took a touch and the moment was lost.
Overall a GREAT game, even sides, even numbers, very enjoyable indeed, thank you sir!

El Capitano – The Final Word:
So there we have it. Oz and Richard P contradict each other. Then James clarifies the result by contradicting himself by stating that he’s “on Yellow, the losing team!”  who scored the final winning goal. Brilliant.

Final score: Yellow 4 – 5 Red
(I don’t know who wore which colour, but Liam, Ahmet, Nick, Richard P, Matt, Tufan & Jack won).

Yellow: Ahmet, Oz, Matt, Daniel
Red: James, JP, Liam, Colin

Happy New Year! 4-a-side. Brisk and bright so we went for uphill/downhill so the sun wasn’t in the eyes. Breakaway counter-attacking football was the name of the game with a hectic start that carried on for the whole game. Yellow popped off a few warning shots and finally getting off the mark with Daniel getting the first goal of the new year. Red promptly replied and pulled away to a 4-1 lead. Yellow pegged them back and then got in front again including Matt getting the first header of the new year, an 8-4 lead with five minutes to the whistle. Then a short Red flood made it all to play for, 8-7 at half time.
Oz had mentioned looking the angle you couldn’t see after firing off a couple of swerving shots with keepers oft out of position. He saw it just after the re-start to curl in a lovely long shot and somehow Red kind of collapsed. It started slowly but increased to a seven goal advantage! Ahmet could have increased the damage but took too many deft touches trying to go around Colin who’d gone to ground to block the initial feint and then flapped like a dying salmon eventually palming away the final attempt. The pick of the goals was from Matt’s showboating, advancing forward he had the easy pass to Daniel in support but calmly chipped the keeper instead. Entertaining end-to-end attacking stuff and thank you for coming, it was looking a little bleak. Way too much going on to recall it all but everyone scored which is always nice. The third highest combined goal tally. Ever!

Final score: Yellow 20 – 15 Red