Match reports

Match report: 20.03.22

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Red: Jack, Adam, Dan, Richard, James
Yellow: JP, Jeremy, Tufan, Jared

Gerald cancelled, leaving Jared to be dropped of at Jeremy’s. Only Jared didn’t get the message and arrived at the lock-up on his own leaving Jeremy waiting somewhere, like an unpopular prostitute. James returned after a serious surfing injury…he can pee!! And along with Tufan recovering in time for the game, they both said they’d take it easy. We found a very bobbly pitch and that excuse was used for almost every touch.

Richard turned in the box and shot, nutmegging the defender and keeper. Two swift replies came on the break, Tufan committing the keeper and passed for JP to side foot in and a minute later the favour was returned, a through ball from JP evaded the defence leaving an un-marked Tufan at the back post for the simplest tap-in. Richard got an equaliser to leave it all 2 – 2 at the break. James and Tufan definitely weren’t taking it easy.
JP and Jared put Yellow 4 – 2 up. Jeremy realised his aerial balls were causing chaos in the box so launched a barrage in the second half,…throw ins, goal kicks, the whole shebang. Sadly the new tactic backfired. With numbers pushing up to get on the end of the high balls, they were left short at the back and Red profitted with quick counter-attacks. Daniel diverted in a shot from Jack who insisted it was going in anyway, the opposition clarified that it definitely wasn’t. He got another too and with Richard and Adam adding to the goals they scored four without reply. Jared got a gnat’s willy of a touch on one of Jeremy’s bombardment to keep the game on a knife-edge but mostly it was just chaos in the box. Whilst being closed down from either side on another break, Daniel chose to shoot early and Jeremy could do nothing to stop the goalbound shot. JP roared with ecstasy thinking he’d equalised with the clocking ticking down. He also dished out some uncharacteristic defending advice. Red, despite repeated yelling to just keep possession in the last few minutes, couldn’t. But yellow were unable to take advantage and the whistle blew. As we packed up it was pointed out to J happy-with-a-draw P that Yellow had still been a goal down. He took it well.

A hattrick of hattricks for Richard, JP and Dan.

Final score: Red: 7 – 6 Yellow

Annual Curry Awards 14.01.22

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Football Quotient 2021:

1st – Jeremy (103.5)
2nd – Kevin (89)
3rd – Daniel (85)

Cumulative Pagan Totals: 2015 to 2021, 27 games
26 Tufan
25 Daniel
24 Jeremy

Win percentage: 
65% Paul
63% Richard Norman
62% Jim

Goal Difference
+40 Richard Piper
+22 Paul
+20 Daniel

+£105 carried over from last year
+£78 subs collected
-£4 spent on pump
-£20 spent on scratch cards
+£19 winnings
Total: +£178


Match report: 12.12.21

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Red: Jared, Paul, Jack, Dan, Jeremy
Yellow: Richard P, Gerald, Tufan, JP, Matt

Surprisingly warm. A busy pitch but we found a spot and wayward shots didn’t interrupt the other games as much as predicted. Mainly because they went out for throws. 

An early red attack forced yellow to volley back to the keeper and unable to catch it, Matt caught it between his knees. Sadly for him that was as glorious as it got. Shortly after Tufan was dispossessed by Paul on the half way line and he sent the chipped shot over Matt who could only watch as it soared in. Can’t remember much else.

Shortly after the break, Paul ghosted in to meet a cross and nod in. Daniel was sent up to cause some bother and, as JP later said, he played like a Danish international. The first chance came from a bouncing release down the left. He hooked it up on the half-volley from about half way (accompanied by a collective gasp of surprise, initially at the audacity but then in surprise and hopeful expectance at it being on target) but Tufan was alert and back-pedalled just enough to tip the arcing ball over the bar. Sent down the right on his next foray, he drove hard and Tufan got a finger tip to the rising shot and it skimmed behind off the bar. A couple more less notable efforts came and went and he was hooked back into defence when Paul finished his keeping shift.

Yellow kept up the attacks….Matt shot with JP free at the far post and JP, with the goal mouth gaping, skewed an attempt wide. Paul had been ruthless for Red and these wasted opportunities meant the comeback wasn’t to be.

Final score: Red 5 – 3 Yellow

After the game JP pondered the need for a post-match therapist. And after lunch Matt questioned his teaching ability as he bumped into yet another formal pupil working in a pub. Tasty lunch at the Montpelier with a variety of subjects covered, Boris, cancel culture, Jeremy’s desire to not have a wiki page, Tufan’s geo-thermal problems, JP’s musings on the subject of his book, The Male Gaze (or Gays – which one was it?)


Match report: 19.09.21

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Yellow: Dan, Richard, Colin, Gerald, JP
Red: Kevin, Jeremy, Oz, James

…was the first line-up of teams but then we faced up to each other and agreed an imbalance. Hence the game actually started:

Red (5): Dan, Richard, Oz, Kevin, Jeremy
Yellow (4): James, Colin, JP, Gerald

And what a decision that turned out to be!

Dodgy notes taken down whilst stuck in traffic en route home before lost in my ephemeral short-term memory mean that some details are hazy at best, and as I write this three months later, are certainly not in the order of play

Colin appeared for his first game since June 2018 whilst Tufan missed his first ever pagan game! In a reflection of our passing years we have recorded our first divorce and have a second in the pipline though both chaps seem rather chipper on the subject! Someone mentioned their offspring was using one of Gerald’s books for their course and suggested he sign the copy. We didn’t change the pitch size! I know!!! And we haven’t even kicked off yet!
Anyway, onto the game….

Someone shot and from miles away and James heroically came sliding in to block the goal-bound ball. However he carried on sliding and the ball rolled in behind him. Oz got a neat chip. Richard scored from a tight angle. James shot and nutmegged Daniel in goal (who really should have done better). JP also nutmegged Daniel in goal who also deflected a corner in off his back for an own goal, thus completing a hatrick to the oppostion. Remember that – a hatrick against his own team.
Gerald pre-empted a coming-together by howling in pain as they both fell to the ground but after a second he realised he was fine. JP appealed for a penalty after being felled but the defender did just get a toe to the ball. Having taken possession at the back, Gerald dawdled. I say dawdled, it was more of a complete stop. Who should he pass to? Was he troubled by the plot of Ulysses? Anyway, Kevin nicked the ball off him and stroked into the empty net. Gerald’s team mates looking very bemused. But apparently they had a three point plan. What those three points were never revealed but JP did confess two weeks later that it was a high team morale up until the final whistle. Without Daniel in defence, Jeremy was a rock at the back. Daniel made amends with a speedy run down the wing and sending in an inch perfect cross for Oz to volley in and with the last attack finally fired in one of his own, so he’s not completely shit, contributing just three to the opposition. Remember that….three.

Final score: Red 14 – 3 Yellow

That’s right, Yellow didn’t score without Daniel’s help….a truly calamitous game for the captain. Yet he still won.

Match report: 20.06.21

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Red (6): Oz, James, Gerald, Jared, Daniel, Richard
Yellow (5): Kevin, Jeremy, JP, Jack, Tufan,

Red kicked off and after three or four passes the ball fell for Jack who fired in with his first touch past Daniel who was still fumbling to get his gloves because no one else in this squad seems to be able to press the start button on timer.
JP promptly made it two and then whilst jumping with Richard in goal at the high ball from Kevin it bounced out of the kafuffle and in off Daniel’s shin or was it already over the line? One for VAR. Oz eventually fired one in reply but that was the pattern, Yellow like a stripper, teasing Red of what could be. But like a pro, never letting them get within reach.
Daniel tapped in a cross to make it 3-2, JP struck another and then another for 5-2 and Richard restored brief hope at 5-3.

Red were awarded a free kick after JP said “boo!” into Richard’s ear as he was about to pull the trigger. Red weren’t shy and everyone had plenty of shots but coupled with a numerous blocks including by JP (!!) and Jack making a good number of saves, they just couldn’t put them away. At the other end Jeremy hit the woodwork twice but otherwise they were ruthless, taking advantage of numerous passing errors in Red defence….you know who you are!

With Red flooding forward to restore some pride they were dispossessed. JP will argue he passed the ball but in truth he skewed his shot from distance at the empty goal but Tufan was on hand to receive the errant ball and stroke into the empty net to complete the rout.

Red 3 – 6 Yellow

Match report: 11.04.21

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Red: Oz, Jared, Gerald, Richard, Daniel

Yellow: Jeremy, Matt, Tufan, Paul

We eventually found a part of the Rye unoccupied by another team. It was level and bobbly and an area where we’d never played before. Paul suggested a smaller  pitch, Richard suggested bigger.

Good attacks and stingy defences from both teams and 0-0 for the first 20 minutes. For the first time in 19 years of existence, Gerald and Jared decided to have tactical discussions before taking corners! It worked…Gerald’s low and hard drive came through the box for Daniel to side-foot in from half a yard out. He confessed to being scared he’d miss it. He cocked-up shortly after though, blocking an attack but softly passing across the pitch to Oz, Jeremy intercepted and slotted in. He followed up for shortly after with a long ball over the top that eluded everyone and went in for his second leaving Yellow 2-1 up at half time.

Yellow’s numerous attacks were thwarted by defenders or the woodwork whereas Red didn’t score because Oz kept missing. He got an assist though, curling a low ball around the defence for Daniel to side-foot in at full stretch. Yellow again went ahead but my sketchy notes don’t credit the scorer. Oz finally he got his just reward, striding forward a few steps beyond half-way and firing in a low drive past the keeper. Richard Piper powered down the right wing, seemingly too far but he fired in from the tightest of angles and victory looked secure. However in a final twist, Jared contrived to bundle in an own goal in the last minute of the game. He was livid with himself.

“That was a fun, tree-smackingly good game”  said Oz. End to end stuff, funny, sunny, neither team were more than one goal ahead, both had the lead. Interruptions included Jeremy wandering off the pitch to have a natter with his wife and Tufan’s daughter waving to her dad and walking into a tree.

Final score: Red 4 – 4 Yellow


Match report: 13.12.20

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Match cancelled.

With Covid-19 infecting two households of squad members, we decided to postpone the game. Sadly, an opportunity hasn’t arisen to re-schedule so our first ever Pagan game has been written off.

Match report: 13.09.20

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Red: Paul, Jeremy, Kevin, Dan, Frank, Josh, Phil, Tufan
Yellow: John, Jack, Richard, Gerald, Jared, Matt, Luis, Tom

Thank you for the last minute change, great turnout considering. We got set up but the other team have joined forces with another squad but had a communication breakdown and only five of them were there by 10.30am so they joined in to make 8-a-side and we took over a perfectly sized and marked out pitch.
I haven’t written the details down again so below is what’s left from the few mental notes I made and I’ve nothing to add four months later. Soz.
Gerald popped off a couple of pile drivers to get things started, one stung the keeper’s hands and the second was slightly off target but the intent was there.
Paul, Tufan and Frank were a potent attacking threesome but Jack, John and Tom and Luis made up a solid Yellow base.

A stinging shot came through a crowded area which Josh did well to parry but the ball pinged around the danger area and I think Richard got the final touch amongst the meleé to watch the ball roll over the line to leave the score even and the finely poised game on a knife edge with 15 minutes left. With opportunities coming from both teams, what deft piece of poetic skill would see the deadlock broken? Well, with five minutes to go, Josh pumped up a slightly wayward long ball over the left channel that was heading out . But from the tightest of angles and with his back to goal, Kevin saved it from going over the line with a kick over his head and it arcd over everyone in the box and through the flapping hands of the keeper into the back of the net. Cross? Fluke? Shot? You’ll have to ask.

Final score: Red 3 – 2 Yellow

Match report: 26.07.20

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Yellow: Gerald, Tufan, John, Kevin
Red: Paul, Jared, Oz, Daniel

We managed to slip in the Spring Equinox game just before lockdown and this was our first outing since having to delay the June Summer Solstice game. We lost Matt who took the mature and responsible precautionary measure to not turn up whilst waiting for his covid test result and Jack who forgot he suggested this date. But we gained Oz and Jared to keep it 4-a-side. With the low numbers questions were asked about the highest combined score. Answer: 58 goals on November 25th 2012 that ended in a 29-29 draw.

Happy Birthday to John for the day before!

Hotter and sunnier than the forecast and a game of two halves and a half of two quarters was about to unfold.

Good even first half, yellow having a couple of pops but Paul was the first to score for Red. Yellow equalised and took the lead. Red pegged them back and the tit for tat half ended 4-3 to Red. Pretty even-stevens.

No tactics were discussed at half time, just that 80 minutes in this heat was taking its toll. Red began to romp away in a complete change of circumstances. Oz and Paul were prolific up front and Jared also contributed a goal all within 15 minutes of the restart to increase the advantage to 9-4! Their lame duck was Daniel who contrived, as usual, to fluff his attempts despite Oz and Paul creating numerous potential assists. And then suddenly, with no indication, it all changed. Red didn’t showboat or relax but in the last 20 minutes, Yellow suddenly found their rhythm and they started scoring for fun…9-5, 9-6, 9-7, 9-8, 9-9. And they carried on…9-10, 9-11. Red made plenty of chances but four or five times the ball came back off the woodwork. Tufan and John were now the bounty hunters supported by and ever-present Gerald and Kevin marked his return with a hat trick, completing a move for his third in the crowded box, dropping a shoulder to feint a top right shot but checking himself which threw the defence and keeper and he pinged it in at the near left post. Deft.

Final score: Yellow 12 – 9 Red

Match report: 15.03.20

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Yellow: James, Tufan, Gerald, Jared, Daniel, Jack

Red: JP, Jim, Wilkie, John, Matt, Richard


Better late than never. It’s short too. Bit of a discussion about evenness of teams but we kicked off regardless. And surprisingly Yellow romped away to a 4-0 lead at the break including a first-half hat trick for Tufan and a tasty peach of a volley for James….all without reply. Yellow agreed that four definitely wasn’t enough and the sleeping Red giant would wake.

And it duly did, with wave after wave of attack they peppered the Yellow goal. But the first only went in with 30 minutes to go. Surely too late? Slowly more followed, 4-2, 4-3….and Yellow’s bums were getting a bit squeaky. Eventually in the last 10 minutes they replied to settle the nerves and with Red venturing forward en masse to reduce the deficit, they left John alone in goal and their fate was sealed.


Final score: Yellow 6 – 3 Red