Match reports

Red: Patrick, Prit, James, Alan, Chris, ?, ?
Yellow: Richard N, Richard P, Daniel, Kevin, Steve, John, Meddi ↔ Eliseu (half time)

Overcast. Swampy patches.
Well, two who’d confirmed couldn’t come so for the first time since we changed to 10.00am, we opted to play against the Hairdressers who had similar attendance issues this week. They had seven, we had six. So we shouted over to the blond man with the tussled wavy locks to come over and join us. But as he came over, the man morphed into a 15 year-old boy. Oh dear. We took Meddi (sp?) on regardless.

Red certainly had the bit between their teeth and were well organised from the off, their passing being mostly accurate and it wasn’t long before Prit got chance with the loose ball landing just in front of the goal and he poked in. They got a second shortly after, I don’t remember it though.

It took us about 15 minutes to get going, making the most of attacking on the break. Daniel tried to back-heel the loose ball in (and failed – too early for showboating) and Richard Norman struck the bar from the parry. Richard P stepped in to make amends, snapping at a deflected clearance, making a good hard contact ensuring that the ball dribbled over the line despite a defender getting a foot to it. We should have made more of the chances but somehow couldn’t get on the end of Steve’s numerous lovely crosses from the right wing.

They were their usual feisty self and complained about us playing happy families after several fouls were called. And they don’t half nag at each other.

Half time 2-1 to Red.

Meddi, who’d not been daunted by the the age gap (but had expected a bunch of older men to be somewhat less fit that we were!) was subbed at half time as Eliseu had appeared.

He had an immediate impact and became the target man for many passes up the field. Sadly the attacks were thwarted at the last minute, dodgy final pass, block, save etc. But we’d improved a lot and kept possession. Red were the opposite. They could barely put two passes together now and the constant nagging at each other couldn’t have helped morale. I can only recall one shot from them after the break, from a tight angle down the right but Steve got a quick hand out to deflect it just wide.

And then finally with ten minutes to go, Eliseu took possession down the right wing and fired in low at a sharp angle. Nice. Even more so when the one spectator informed us after the game that one of their team fell to his knees and punched the ground in anger. Ha ha ha! It must have felt so much worse when John copied Eliseu and struck in from the right but this time high into the back of the net with three minutes to go. Yellow held out and a particularly succulent victory was theirs!

Final score: Yellow 3 – 2 Red

Yellow (6): Jim, Tim, Steve, Oz, Kevin, Keith
Red (5): Daniel, Richard N, James, Richard P, John

A large pitch was marked out which encouraged a variety of long passes in attempts to provide
attacking football. Richard P was the first to score, latching onto a long pass and showing composure to shoot low and in. Tim replied shortly after in a similar fashion. Keith, who’d been a marauding threat down the right wing, then took possession and sped off again and hit the sweet spot. The ball rifled in off the inside of the top far corner, dislodging the post from the bar in the process – What a corker! I don’t want to influence your votes at this early stage but certainly a contender for goal of the season! Richard P was on good form and slotted in the equaliser but Yellow popped in another to gain the lead again, 3 – 2 up at the break. During the break, El Capitano suggested that it was a very watchable game to which it was pointed out that no one was watching. That wasn’t the point!

Within a few minutes of the restart Jim accidently trod on the ball and fell awkwardly and had to limp off. [Latest news (15.06.12): the x-ray reveals that nothing is broken but he will be out for a month]. Get well soon sir.

Yellow had been well organised at the back but the loss of the extra man made a big difference and they succumbed to sustained breaks from Red. The equaliser followed shortly after Jim limped off and more followed. It could have been worse though but the composure exhibited by Richard P early on deserted Daniel who skewed wide with his left foot with the goal at his mercy and Richard N tried to volley a cross but completely missed the ball. Hilarious! But the damage was done.

Final score: Yellow 3 – 6 Red

In a footnote….Contrary to the naysayers, people were watching. Two 13/14 year olds complemented Oz on several occasions – “He’s really good.” And when Daniel stroked one in during the second half, they exclaimed “What a goal!” (It wasn’t that good). And whilst James was trying to indicate where Daniel should run to receive an imminent throw, he was ignored as his teammate was more concerned by the loud and rather threatening argument between three or four rather large looking gentlemen that had irrupted next to his better half. It died down shortly after, but what was it about I hear you ask? Whether Denmark were good enough to go through to the next round!!

Yellow (3): Bruno, Eliseu, Steve
Red (4): Richard N, Kevin, Matt, Daniel

A poor turnout led to a bit of a flat game. Red romped to a 5-1 lead and then offered to change teams about a bit because it was becoming a bit one-sided. Yellow scoffed at the idea and Red’s reply was to secretly allow only two of their players into the Yellow half. It worked – Red lost the lead by half time. Liking sulking schoolboys, they withdrew the sporting unwritten rule but it was too late. Yellow had the momentum, the tricks and the accurate passes, Red didn’t have any of those.

Final score: Yellow 15 – 11 Red

It was a blistering hot 5-a-side in the end. Tim came along, with his friend and I brought a newbie (Julius) who scored a hat trick. Will Oz or James write up the match report? [Nope – this is it!]

Red: Bruno, Julius, Richard P, Steve, Tim’s friend

Yellow: Oz, Richard N., Tim, Gerald, James

Final score: Red 7 – 6 Yellow

It should have been a draw – there was some discussion after the match, mostly instigated by me, that our match reports include both the “real” score (in this case 7-6) and then the “moral” score, i.e. what the scores should have been if there were a God of Football (in this case 7-7).

“Report” courtesy of Gerald Jones.

El Capitano:

No. Don’t be ridiculous. The match reports won’t include a “moral” score.

A: There is only one God.

B: Does He even exist?

C: If a god of football does happen to wander unseen in our midst, our game is a little too insignificant for Him to judge. Especially with the Euros coming up, I proffer He’s a little too busy.

D: And a footballing deity doesn’t exist ‘cos I pray for skills on a regular basis and they never materialise.

E: In light of the above, it would leave Me to decide the moral score as I’m the only person who writes anything up. (note the gap above between ‘teams’ and ‘final score’ where the report should be). The the moral score is the real one. Cos that’s what happened. Which confirms that righteous punditry, both before and after games, is of absolutely no consequence at all. And things that are unfair/wrong always equal each other out in the end. e.g. Geoff Hurst’s “goal” (v Germany, WC 1966) nullified by Frank Lampard’s “non goal” (v Germany, WC 2010); Holland putting the boot in for most of the match, Spain putting the ball in to win it, (WC 2010); El Capitano getting pushed over to Ruski FC, (March 2009) and losing 11-1 but then winning 11-1 against 3 of the conspirators (January 2011). Karmatic retribution is the name of the game. Hello? Hello? Is anyone still reading?

Yellow: Oz, Bruno, Jim, Gerald
Red: Steve, James, Daniel, Richard P

Hmmm, hardly a mandate for the 10.00am start, a lowly four-a-side.
Similar teams to last week? Yes, cos the choice was made on what people were wearing, which doesn’t vary much.
Overcast, a light breeze and in keeping with the all-pervading austerity measures, the local council have “cut” the grass. Hehaythankyouverymuch.

First half:
Red scored first, Yellow equalised, Red got another, Yellow equalised. Red got another, and another and another. Yellow then got one and then another. 5-4 at half time. Great summary huh?
It did include Daniel running onto a loose ball, rounding Gerald and firing with his left foot. Except Gerald magnificently dived backwards to reach out and grab the ball – spectacular save.
Second half:
Yellow pulled away to a 9-5 lead.
Bruno tried to go round the flailing Daniel but the keeper got a hand to the initial shot and then blocked the follow up with his back.
A wonderful series of one touch football from Richard P to Steve to Daniel to James who struck first time was rather good.
Steve used the excuse that the ball didn’t hit a bobble for the reason behind his sky high shot, much to the amusement of Oz who’d mentioned the dubious quality of the pitch right at the start.
A second half five minute spell of truly awful and comically bad football left Daniel in a crumpled heap with a fit of the giggles.
Gerald sold a lovely one to Richard P, knocking the ball inside and running round the outside to score.

And Jim had visited the Joey Barton School of football this week. In the second half he stopped a cross with a very deliberate out-stretched arm, took out Richard P (who’d turned on a sixpence) with his leg and then tripped James just as he was about to run into the area. The three subsequent free kicks came to nothing but clearly three yellow cards, he should have been long gone. But he’d also manged to fit in time to attend the John Terry humility college and promptly showed calm composure with a handful of goals to level the scores in the last 10 minutes. Travesty – Shame on you!

Final score: Yellow 9-9 Red

Topic for the AGM: Should we actually introduce cards?

Yellow: Bruno, Jim, Oz, Ahmet, Steve, Gerald
Red: James, Eliseu, Daniel, Keith, Richard P, John

More of the same, I asked for. And what did we get? More of the same with a cherry on the top. Another corking 6-a-side with Keith making his debut – welcome sir. Sun? Sun! SUN! And a strange boggy pitch with long grass and bobbles.

Reds were off to a flying start, peppering the Yellow goal a-plenty in the first ten minutes with barely a Yellow shot. James hit the post and Daniel heading narrowly wide were just a couple of the many misses. Ahmet claimed the sides were uneven and that the defensive levee was about to burst it’s banks. But this was disputed so the game carried on, the only interruption to the great game being a farce of differing clock times. But Ahmet’s mind-games paid dividends. Yellow made Red pay for squandering their opportunities by making the most of their now frequent chances. Jim got a 15 minute hat trick, chesting in a Bruno shot was the flukiest of the bunch followed by a low shot after a breaking run down the left for the coolest of finishes. Red did manage to get one in reply, but those mind games….Yellow 5-1 up at half time.

Red decided to abandon their much prepared formation of the first half and went for total football. And slowly but surely began to claw back some parity with Eliseu getting a couple to complete his hat trick and Keith following up to strike in the loose ball after Gerald parried a shot. Yellow weren’t pinned back though, this was end-to-end stuff with both keepers shouting for their team to cover back when attacks broke down. And just when you thought the comeback was about to become reality, Bruno stroked home a goal at close range just before the clocked beeped. Elation for Yellow, exasperation for Red. But what a corker.

Moment of the match: An unbelievably incredible flying dive from Eliseu to save a shot. Sadly no cameras to capture it, he didn’t reach it and it was off-target anyway. But….(and I’ve been trying to do it justice for the last two minutes now and I don’t have the vocabulary) it was f#*king spectacular!

Final score: Yellow 6 – 4 Red

Red: Oz, Richard P, Tufan, Steve, Chris, Prit
Yellow: Bruno, Kevin, Daniel, Liam, Matt, Jim

Sketchy memory as I’ve left this a bit long before writing the report but a few jotted down notes in one of my many notebooks tell the story. I’ll try to embellish them a little.

6-a-side. Chris and Prit from the hairdressers joined us for this bank holiday game. Chris volleyed in from a corner. Bruno got a few tap-ins. Liam fell over and tried to foul Richard P in the process. Red regularly fired wide. Richard P fired one in high at the near post. A long ball arrived at Jim and Oz coming out of goal. Jim took a nice touch to take it past him and then fire into the empty net. Daniel in defence saw a large gap in front of him. None of his team mates wanted to fill it so he passed, ran into it, received the ball back and ran forward right down the middle and toe-poked in from the edge of the area. Matt shot and it went out for a throw. In his own half!! Bruno controlled a high pass with his chest. He stopped and looked down with disdain. Mud on his Brazilian shirt. Hilarious. Clearly they have no mud in Brazil and stay on their feet.
My apologies that this report is rather meagre (poor embellishing) which certainly doesn’t reflect the quality of this great, close game.

Final score: Yellow 8 – 6 Red

Yellow: Richard N, Richard P, some hairdressers
Red: Jim, Oz, some hairdressers

Poor show so we joined in withe the other lot and had a good game. Inspired by his latest “Cash for Goals” tag-line, Jim put in the first for goal for Red and then Yellow scored two. oz missed a penalty with the last kick of the game! Very muddy and very enjoyable.

Final score: Red 1 – 2 Yellow

Red (5): Bruno, Eliseu, Seb, John, Richard P
Yellow (6): Richard N, James R, Tufan, Oz, Daniel, Matt

Sunny. Not as muddy as the rain would have us believe. It’s all to do with the empty aquafers. James said yes. But he had to light a barbeque for the allotment society so in fact he lied. Serendipity stepped in the form of another James. John’s possible +1 also couldn’t make it so Seb, another guest also valiantly strode onto the pitch.
And James took on the mantle immediately by scoring the first goal! It’s now six months since I started writing this report so unsurprisingly can’t recall much else other than that Seb scored four.
That’s it. Thank you to James and Seb for making up the numbers, apologies to all for not fulfilling my duties as captain and completing a reasonable report. This one really is a shocker!

Final score: Red 11 – 6 Yellow