Match reports

Red (8): Gerald, Richard N, John M, John G, Kevin, Jack, Colin, Tufan
Colours (7): Oz, Bruno, Eliseu, Keith, Daniel, Steve, Julius

A missing clock, a small pitch, lack of bibs and sun. All these seemed to unsettle the large number (15 of us, well done!) of men and it was a rather strange and somewhat silent atmosphere that enveloped the game only punctured by Yellow regularly asking for the time. The grass was rather long, meadow-like even and some individuals did their best to audition for the closing credits of Little House on the Prairie. We just about managed with bibs, Red were red and Yellow were a mix of yellow and a variety of other colours.

Daniel was first in goal and flapped a lot, with a shot hitting the post and Bruno saving his blushes a couple of times. Colours inexplicably passed to John M twice in the opening few minutes even though he was wearing red. Tufan got the breakthrough about ten minutes in, slotting low past Oz from the left. He was linking up well with Colin & the two Johns and the Colours defense wasn’t particularly organised. Red got another shortly after with John M beating the keeper to the ball and firing in a low composed shot from the right. Keith saved a fierce shot from the left hurting his wrist in the process but carried on.

The second half was like the full monty with the heat getting the better of several members of the Colours. At the signal four of them stepped forward like the Arsenal offside trap and ripped off their tops. A feast for the eyes! A turnaround of possession too with Colours permanently camped in the Red third of the pitch. Attacks aplenty but a resolute rearguard let very little through. Daniel finally managed to get a chipped shot in with the keeper apparently scooping it out of the goal but Eliseu bundled it back in to make sure. A little research at full time with the dubious goals panel awarded it to Daniel who’d skimmed a cross along the top of the bar shortly before this. Pretty much the whole team were involved in the numerous attacks but it was frustrating with so little reward. Eliseu must have been particularly perturbed as he advanced from his keeping position beyond the half way line. Gerald tackled him and passed to Tufan who was already in the opposition half and he stroked into the empty net. 3-1 up to Red. Gah!

This inspired them to a short siege of their own but Colours snubbed out the threat and Bruno finally fired a low one in from the left with about five minutes to go, one goal behind. Red kicked off promising to keep possession and wind the game down. They gave the ball away within 5 seconds. Then, with three minutes to go, Tufan the keeper bundles over Oz as he’s about to shoot. Penalty! Oz dusts himself off and steps up. He shoots high towards the top left corner but Tufan dives the same way. Saved!
And then with one minute to go. Colin handles during a tussle with Eliseu who’s about to shoot. Another penalty! Oz steps up to make amends and……..the tension is there….he fires low……are you nervous?……do you care?….Wide!!! Missed again!!!!!
And he’s usually the one to say we should practice penalties!! Ha ha! Yes, Oz, you should.

Handshakes and smiles all round for a great game and an exodus for well-earned cool shower.

Final score: Red 3 – 2 Colours

Report 1: Gerald Jones

Every story, every drama, every history is written from a point of view.  There is no objectivity in writing, only the illusion of knowledge – the skill of the author is in persuading their reader that this was what actually happened, this was the way the events unfolded, this was why she left him.  Smoke and mirrors, boys, smoke and mirrors.  She left him because his breath smelt and he snored.  Simple as.

I arrived at 10am, driving through the river that was once the South Circular, peering into a steady sheet of rain that fell like a curtain  curtain of rain.  As I stepped from the car to look upon the empty Rye, as if for the first time man had gazed upon the rich Savannah of the African plains, I noticed that no one else had bloody turned up.  Light weights.  Richard P. soon joined me followed by Tufan who had been accosted from “The Others” whilst they pitifully sheltered under a tree down the path.  Even though it had clearly stopped raining.  The Others wanted a game.

The game was immense.  The pitch enormous.  The passions inflamed.  Steve kindly offered to play for The Others, and a Ringer stepped in to make up 6 for yellows.  Reds played direct attacking football up the hill, slicing through the channels and going 1-0 up through Tufan.  But Yellows fought back.  Steve crossed from corners and the right with pin-point accuracy onto the heads of Gareth and the other tall chap 1-1.  Gerald had a screaming hissy-fit at the very same tall chap who slid, studs-up, into a tackle with the care free attitude of a man who didn’t mind whether he ended his life with knees or ankles or legs in general.  Towards the end of the first half the Ringer had had enough, he took off his bib and strolled back into the mean streets of Peckham with his bro’s – a very sensible cautionary lecture from Tufan ringing in his ears about the relative morality of leaving a game mid-way through and the consequences of what might happen if he ever tried to join one of our games again.  Whilst this was going on Gareth rolled the ball into the net.  2-1 Yellows.

Half-time negotiations followed.  It was agreed that Yellow’s keeper could pick up the ball (most generous of the Reds to offer that concession I thought), and they could play downhill in the second half, again.  The rain fell and fell.

The aerial threat from the Steve-Gareth omni-combo continued and a further header followed. 3-1 Yellows.  Was this a Murray moment?  Had Reds bottled it, like Kent farmers pretending to adopt the “champagnoise method” and flogging soda-streamed grape juice as if it were Bollinger?  Richard P. pulled his shorts up (literally, and then used a peg)  Gerald was a constant presence of authority on the field, spraying Hollywood passes to the left and right – although not in front where the goal actually was – a threat to himself and others in mid-field, a Rock in defence (I blame the  mud – it was very easy to get bogged down in it).  Several of these passes reached other Red players occasionally.  Tufan dribbled like a new-born Ronaldo, and Richard N., Bruno and James combined to make it 3-2.  Then 3-3 as Bruno picked up the left-overs from a scrappy Red corner and smacked it satisfyingly into goal.  Yes, this was really happening.  Aaargggh  we completely forgot about the aerial threat.  4-3 to Yellows.  Damn the long ball into Number 9.  Another Tufan effort 4-4.  The tide was turning, the rain was falling, Reds felt this was their day, their time, their epoch.  Yellows made a goal-keeping error, failed to pick up a sniping red and it was 5-4.  James apologised to Yellows – it didn’t feel right, yet it felt so right – like reading 50 Shades of Grey on the commuter train on your Kindle.  With three minutes left Gerald went on a surging run on the break, beating one, two, three yellows crossing with the outside of his foot to Bruno who flicked and pirouetted the ball into Yellow’s net. Back-to-back wins against the Others.

You too can make history.  Literally (if you write the match report).

Report 2: James McGowan

Using our well-honed fieldcraft skills we decided to pitch the pitch on a slope to reduce standing water puddles.   Muddy, pretty big pitch (for us), there was even light banter between us and them.  We kicked off up the slope, Tufan causing havoc up front and slots one home to give us the lead.  Good passing generally, Gareth heads one past a diving James to level, great header, it’s like he meant it.  Gareth always a threat up front.  Can’t remember much about the score other than it started level, we went ahead, they went ahead by a couple – then the random decided to leave hence unbalancing a hitherto evenly played match, we were looking forward to playing downhill to eliminate their lead – however to compensate for their 5 vs our 6 we allowed them to pick up from back-passes and played uphill in the second half too.   A fractious moment ina good-natured game occurred when Pete slid-tackled Gerald and received a ticking off from Mr Jones, however peace resumed after apologies and the fact that the rule hadn’t been formally stated at the offset.

Second half Gareth scores another header but eventually the numbers tell and we draw level before negative James gets into a funk allowing Richie to hammer home with the lie “that didn’t feel great….”.  We score another to wrap it up, handshakes all round.

Final score: Red 6-4 Yellow

Yellow struck with their first attack of the game, Keith curling a cross in from the right, Colin got a touch. Control? Shot? Pass? Who knows. Anyway it fell for Daniel to poke in. Steve’s crosses are regular both in quality and quantity, in every game. It’s just a shame we never seem to get on to the end of them to do much them much credit. To finally give some credence to Steve, Daniel got on to the end of a low curling cross to divert the ball in. Tasty and the nonsensical ridicule from Kevin (who wants a mention) had no merit whatsoever – two shots, two goals up. Emil joined us at this point to even up the numbers. Richard N saved a fierce shot from Ahmet from the left. Not much else stands out other than what a great game it was. There was some great passing and numerous attacks from both sides and most were only broken down by some very solid defending from both teams, Kevin and Richard N for Red getting in some hard but fair tackles and for Yellow, Julius and John C were rather effective too.
The second half was much the same, good attacking football. We’re talking quality entertainment here, not a Spanish passing mastercla….zzzzzzzzzz. Ahmet launched another speculative long-ball, a regular route one tactic. It bounced just before the Red goal, bamboozling defender, striker and ultimately Asif the keeper! Some dispute as the whether you can score from goal kicks. Except it wasn’t from a goal kick. Ahmet tried it again immediately afterwards, this time the keeper got fingertips to the ball and it skimmed off the top of the bar. They got an equaliser (I’ve had this saved as a draft for two weeks now but didn’t note down the scorer – apologies) but a diving fingertip save from Daniel turned the ball just round the post to deny Tufan and kept it even (still more ridicule from certain teammates though??). A fair result to smasher of a game.

Final score: Red 2 – 2 Yellow

And just for a laugh, we had penalties. Everyone had a pop and Red won 6-4, Colin’s miss being the worst. “Wide” said the cricket umpire.

Speaking of Creedence, I’m off to a Grateful Dead appreciation society folk/rock/prog festival down in Kent next week having a right rural hippy mind blast so hope it’s far out, man.

Red: Patrick, Prit, James, Alan, Chris, ?, ?
Yellow: Richard N, Richard P, Daniel, Kevin, Steve, John, Meddi ↔ Eliseu (half time)

Overcast. Swampy patches.
Well, two who’d confirmed couldn’t come so for the first time since we changed to 10.00am, we opted to play against the Hairdressers who had similar attendance issues this week. They had seven, we had six. So we shouted over to the blond man with the tussled wavy locks to come over and join us. But as he came over, the man morphed into a 15 year-old boy. Oh dear. We took Meddi (sp?) on regardless.

Red certainly had the bit between their teeth and were well organised from the off, their passing being mostly accurate and it wasn’t long before Prit got chance with the loose ball landing just in front of the goal and he poked in. They got a second shortly after, I don’t remember it though.

It took us about 15 minutes to get going, making the most of attacking on the break. Daniel tried to back-heel the loose ball in (and failed – too early for showboating) and Richard Norman struck the bar from the parry. Richard P stepped in to make amends, snapping at a deflected clearance, making a good hard contact ensuring that the ball dribbled over the line despite a defender getting a foot to it. We should have made more of the chances but somehow couldn’t get on the end of Steve’s numerous lovely crosses from the right wing.

They were their usual feisty self and complained about us playing happy families after several fouls were called. And they don’t half nag at each other.

Half time 2-1 to Red.

Meddi, who’d not been daunted by the the age gap (but had expected a bunch of older men to be somewhat less fit that we were!) was subbed at half time as Eliseu had appeared.

He had an immediate impact and became the target man for many passes up the field. Sadly the attacks were thwarted at the last minute, dodgy final pass, block, save etc. But we’d improved a lot and kept possession. Red were the opposite. They could barely put two passes together now and the constant nagging at each other couldn’t have helped morale. I can only recall one shot from them after the break, from a tight angle down the right but Steve got a quick hand out to deflect it just wide.

And then finally with ten minutes to go, Eliseu took possession down the right wing and fired in low at a sharp angle. Nice. Even more so when the one spectator informed us after the game that one of their team fell to his knees and punched the ground in anger. Ha ha ha! It must have felt so much worse when John copied Eliseu and struck in from the right but this time high into the back of the net with three minutes to go. Yellow held out and a particularly succulent victory was theirs!

Final score: Yellow 3 – 2 Red

Yellow (6): Jim, Tim, Steve, Oz, Kevin, Keith
Red (5): Daniel, Richard N, James, Richard P, John

A large pitch was marked out which encouraged a variety of long passes in attempts to provide
attacking football. Richard P was the first to score, latching onto a long pass and showing composure to shoot low and in. Tim replied shortly after in a similar fashion. Keith, who’d been a marauding threat down the right wing, then took possession and sped off again and hit the sweet spot. The ball rifled in off the inside of the top far corner, dislodging the post from the bar in the process – What a corker! I don’t want to influence your votes at this early stage but certainly a contender for goal of the season! Richard P was on good form and slotted in the equaliser but Yellow popped in another to gain the lead again, 3 – 2 up at the break. During the break, El Capitano suggested that it was a very watchable game to which it was pointed out that no one was watching. That wasn’t the point!

Within a few minutes of the restart Jim accidently trod on the ball and fell awkwardly and had to limp off. [Latest news (15.06.12): the x-ray reveals that nothing is broken but he will be out for a month]. Get well soon sir.

Yellow had been well organised at the back but the loss of the extra man made a big difference and they succumbed to sustained breaks from Red. The equaliser followed shortly after Jim limped off and more followed. It could have been worse though but the composure exhibited by Richard P early on deserted Daniel who skewed wide with his left foot with the goal at his mercy and Richard N tried to volley a cross but completely missed the ball. Hilarious! But the damage was done.

Final score: Yellow 3 – 6 Red

In a footnote….Contrary to the naysayers, people were watching. Two 13/14 year olds complemented Oz on several occasions – “He’s really good.” And when Daniel stroked one in during the second half, they exclaimed “What a goal!” (It wasn’t that good). And whilst James was trying to indicate where Daniel should run to receive an imminent throw, he was ignored as his teammate was more concerned by the loud and rather threatening argument between three or four rather large looking gentlemen that had irrupted next to his better half. It died down shortly after, but what was it about I hear you ask? Whether Denmark were good enough to go through to the next round!!

Yellow (3): Bruno, Eliseu, Steve
Red (4): Richard N, Kevin, Matt, Daniel

A poor turnout led to a bit of a flat game. Red romped to a 5-1 lead and then offered to change teams about a bit because it was becoming a bit one-sided. Yellow scoffed at the idea and Red’s reply was to secretly allow only two of their players into the Yellow half. It worked – Red lost the lead by half time. Liking sulking schoolboys, they withdrew the sporting unwritten rule but it was too late. Yellow had the momentum, the tricks and the accurate passes, Red didn’t have any of those.

Final score: Yellow 15 – 11 Red

It was a blistering hot 5-a-side in the end. Tim came along, with his friend and I brought a newbie (Julius) who scored a hat trick. Will Oz or James write up the match report? [Nope – this is it!]

Red: Bruno, Julius, Richard P, Steve, Tim’s friend

Yellow: Oz, Richard N., Tim, Gerald, James

Final score: Red 7 – 6 Yellow

It should have been a draw – there was some discussion after the match, mostly instigated by me, that our match reports include both the “real” score (in this case 7-6) and then the “moral” score, i.e. what the scores should have been if there were a God of Football (in this case 7-7).

“Report” courtesy of Gerald Jones.

El Capitano:

No. Don’t be ridiculous. The match reports won’t include a “moral” score.

A: There is only one God.

B: Does He even exist?

C: If a god of football does happen to wander unseen in our midst, our game is a little too insignificant for Him to judge. Especially with the Euros coming up, I proffer He’s a little too busy.

D: And a footballing deity doesn’t exist ‘cos I pray for skills on a regular basis and they never materialise.

E: In light of the above, it would leave Me to decide the moral score as I’m the only person who writes anything up. (note the gap above between ‘teams’ and ‘final score’ where the report should be). The the moral score is the real one. Cos that’s what happened. Which confirms that righteous punditry, both before and after games, is of absolutely no consequence at all. And things that are unfair/wrong always equal each other out in the end. e.g. Geoff Hurst’s “goal” (v Germany, WC 1966) nullified by Frank Lampard’s “non goal” (v Germany, WC 2010); Holland putting the boot in for most of the match, Spain putting the ball in to win it, (WC 2010); El Capitano getting pushed over to Ruski FC, (March 2009) and losing 11-1 but then winning 11-1 against 3 of the conspirators (January 2011). Karmatic retribution is the name of the game. Hello? Hello? Is anyone still reading?

Yellow: Oz, Bruno, Jim, Gerald
Red: Steve, James, Daniel, Richard P

Hmmm, hardly a mandate for the 10.00am start, a lowly four-a-side.
Similar teams to last week? Yes, cos the choice was made on what people were wearing, which doesn’t vary much.
Overcast, a light breeze and in keeping with the all-pervading austerity measures, the local council have “cut” the grass. Hehaythankyouverymuch.

First half:
Red scored first, Yellow equalised, Red got another, Yellow equalised. Red got another, and another and another. Yellow then got one and then another. 5-4 at half time. Great summary huh?
It did include Daniel running onto a loose ball, rounding Gerald and firing with his left foot. Except Gerald magnificently dived backwards to reach out and grab the ball – spectacular save.
Second half:
Yellow pulled away to a 9-5 lead.
Bruno tried to go round the flailing Daniel but the keeper got a hand to the initial shot and then blocked the follow up with his back.
A wonderful series of one touch football from Richard P to Steve to Daniel to James who struck first time was rather good.
Steve used the excuse that the ball didn’t hit a bobble for the reason behind his sky high shot, much to the amusement of Oz who’d mentioned the dubious quality of the pitch right at the start.
A second half five minute spell of truly awful and comically bad football left Daniel in a crumpled heap with a fit of the giggles.
Gerald sold a lovely one to Richard P, knocking the ball inside and running round the outside to score.

And Jim had visited the Joey Barton School of football this week. In the second half he stopped a cross with a very deliberate out-stretched arm, took out Richard P (who’d turned on a sixpence) with his leg and then tripped James just as he was about to run into the area. The three subsequent free kicks came to nothing but clearly three yellow cards, he should have been long gone. But he’d also manged to fit in time to attend the John Terry humility college and promptly showed calm composure with a handful of goals to level the scores in the last 10 minutes. Travesty – Shame on you!

Final score: Yellow 9-9 Red

Topic for the AGM: Should we actually introduce cards?