Red (4): Ahmet, Steve, Jeremy, Daniel
Yellow (5): John G, Kevin, Richard P, John M, Jim N
5 vs 4. Firm, blustery, with a ten second spell of rain.
Hard work, slightly scrappy with lots of people being caught in possession. Yellow got us started and pulled away to 3-1. A 50/50 loose ball was up for getting hoofed to safety by Richard P or poked in by Daniel. They both got there within a fraction of a second of each other, Richard P just first and Daniel therefore almost crippling him. Sorry sir. Red clawed back to go ahead 5-3 with Calamity Jim added one of those. Kevin saved a shot from Daniel but it richocheted off Jim into his own net. 5-4 to Red at the break.
Never more than 2 goals in it, Yellow were always just behind apart from 6-6 & 9-9. Also apologies to Kevin who in the second half got the sharp end of a knee in his back, Daniel unable to check his momentum aftering reaching another 50/50 ball just first to dink it in. Kevin got revenge soon after though, shooting across Daniel, the ball stroking his flailing fingers, into the net. Not content with taking out half the opposition, Daniel took over the calamity baton. Richard P launched a floater from his goal towards the Red penalty area. Red all shouted ‘keeper’ which Daniel noted but left the ball as he knew it was over hit and wide of the goal. Except it wasn’t. Top corner. A couple more goals kept it interesting, Jeremy got frustrated and therefore vocal. Steve, Daniel & Jim N all missed sitters. Post and bars were hit. Ahmet got a couple of rocket goals and made a tasty save and John M and John G made a good solid midfield distribution twosome. Red, down a man, certainly began to feel slightly stretched at the end.
Final score: Yellow 12 – 11 Red
Red: Paul, James, Daniel, Steve, Richard P, Ahmet, Alex (random)
Yellow: Jeremy, Kevin, Jim N, JP, Tufan, John G, Richard N
7-a-side. Firm. Breezy and a long pitch.
[Big top circus music] “Roll up! Roll up! The headlining act for Circus in the Park this week is Calamity Jim.”(Cut to a clown tripping over the corner flag as he makes his way onto the pitch. The audience (two families and a strange bloke on his own near the front) roar with laughter. One of the guffawing fathers has tears streaming down his face whilst he points at the spectacle and nudges his wife who falls off her chair. He laughs even harder. A sign of things to come.
Oz finally succumbs to niggles (funny name for a girlfriend) and only shows up to pass over the clean gloves and bibs. His car disappears into the distance, and sitting in his passenger seat is his 100% attendance record this year – We salute you sir.
Quite a broo ha ha (yeah – my phrase, oft used before (see reports from 21.11.10 or 03.01.11 for example), don’t be trying to claim it as your own) so although I can remember the chronological scoreline, I can’t recall in which order the specifics happened. Here’s my vague guess…..
The long pitch encouraged many attacks on the break. Yellow went two up after 10 minutes, the first coming from Tufan pinging in an inch perfect corner for Jeremy to rise and nod in. Daniel definitely guilty of ball-watching and losing his man. They then start parking that figurative bus. Or two. In reply Red repeat the route one tactic of last week, a long high ball down the middle from Paul/Ahmet? towards Kevin who rushes oof goal but is beaten to it by the tiniest margin by James who dinks it past him.
Yellow reinstate the difference soon after. In response Red kick off to Paul who goes for a solo run down the left channel and fires in an immediate reply. He also tears down the right at some point and fires a lovely low ball across the goal with Daniel not believing by about a metre. Daniel tries the same run and his shot-cum-cross bounces along the bar. He was also released by James early down the middle but his shot was turned over the bar by Jeremy. Alex (the random – has some good control but his slicker-than-Paul’s-chat-up-lines soles make for some tumbles) makes a nice save but couldn’t hold onto the ball and Jim N/Tufan? is on hand to follow up. JP goes on a dribble down the right and similar to Daniel’s poor keeping last week, the ball gets stuck in a forest of striking and defending legs and rolls bounces out along the line, flummoxing Steve in goal leaving the easiest touch for Jim N/Tufan? (a constant marauding threat) to poke in.
Yellow surge forward and a lovely low ball is hit out to Jim who tries to volley but nutmegs himself. Amusing. He also does one those frustrating sprint-to-the-ball-to-stop-it-going-out-but-can’t-stop-yourself-in-time-so-the-oppostion-run-away-with-it manoeuvres at some point and generally his control was somewhat akin to Ed’s abilities from a fortnight ago. But that’s why he’s dangerously unpredictable, he’ll get a hatrick next week. James popped in another too somewhere.
And that’s just the first half.
Not so many goals after the break. The Red defence had been slightly lacking and a bit of screaming from Richard P in goal ensured a more solid and organised approach. Steve swung in some usual pinpoint crosses but the Yellow defence managed to crowd out any impending shots and John was his usual distributive self. Towards the end were two penalty claims, one for a handball against Ahmet in defence and one for a tangle of feet between James about to shoot and John. Both not given and both would have been harsh. Five minutes from time Alex makes another block to an initial shot but Tufan is able to turn on a sixpence and stroke in, the one goal lead restored. There was also a short phase of play were about four different people tried to pass or shoot but ended up missing it completely. Yes, Jim was one of them.
Then in the last minute Jeremy hoofs the ball to safety. Cynically 30 metres out to waste time. Richard P runs to get it but Red appear to be resigned to fate as the clock ticks down. However he kicks it to Paul who doesn’t wait for him to rejoin the pitch, launches the throw into the area and Ahmet rises highest to nod in at the near post. Jubilation for Red, the whistle goes five seconds later and the moral victory and schadenfreudic retribution for Jeremy’s unsporting ethic belong to Red.
Final score: Yellow 5 – 5 Red
Although I try to recall as much as possible and be impartial in my reports, I’m sorry that I can’t always give credit where it’s due (goals/tackles/farcical moments), especially to those on the other team. You always see it from your own team’s eyes don’t you? Don’t take it personally and feel free to correct on the “comment” button below.
Yellow (6): Richard N, Jeremy, Jim N, Kevin, JP, Oz
Red (6): Paul, James, Richard P, Ahmet, Jack, Daniel
Sunny with a light but noticeable breeze. Good to firm after the overnight rain.
Cor, even sides or what, not much in that game. Red got off to a prompt two goal lead, Daniel shot and although Oz saved, the ball rolled to James who whacked it in. Daniel also ended up with the ball just to the left of goal and whilst he was crowded out by defenders he managed to also tempt Kevin out of his goal with a teasing seductive wink just like you’d see in a Soho doorway, keeping the ball just out of reach and then pulled it back for Jack to power into the empty net. Yellow got one back and then Red to pulled away to 4-1 with at least one carbon copy of the blocked/saved ball falling kindly to a fellow striker. However the half wasn’t finished and Yellow gave back some of the same medicine, Paul saving nicely only for Jeremy to stroke home the loose ball. A JP multi-drag back popped in one, wrong-footing his marker and keeper alike. And five minutes before half time Daniel came out to the oncoming ball and twosome of Richard N and Jim N both charging it down. In the resulting tangle of legs it fell for Jim to stroke in. Awful keeping. Half time 4-4.
The second half was much the same, good even sided stuff, the only let down was some poor quality passing from both teams. James got hold of the ball and swivelled to volley in. Yellow equalised with Jim N running down the right, poking forward to JP who scored from the tightest of angles with Jack calling for a throw back down the line but only after the goal. A prod forward to Paul was too inviting and taking out the frustration of hitting the post umpteen times, he let fly with a fierce first time shot to the top corner only to be parried at the last instant by Jeremy’s hand. Just in case there was any doubt about he’s shooting abilities, he’s still got it. Shame he can’t score. JP tried to inspire his team to get into the lead and there were a couple of ghasps when Jeremy and Richard P both went down within ten minutes of each other. Both looked serious initially but both thankfully fine. And then ten minutes from the end Paul light fly with a soaring ball up the middle for Ahmet to rise and nod in over the keeper. Huzzah for route one and a victory reflecting the merits of FPTP – majority wins. Where would we be with AV in football?
Final score: Red 6-5 Yellow
Red (6): James, Daniel, Richard P, Darren, Richard N, Kevin
Yellow (7): Ahmet, Oz, John M, Colin, Ed, Steve, Tufan
Sunny, windy & firm.
After a fortnight of meagre attendence, we’re back to normal – thank you for your bank holiday love.
An uphill battle for Red from the start, literally on the slope and figuratively with numbers. Even the wind was against them. But in to the valley rode the 6.
And promptly went 3-0 down. A header for Colin was the best, the assist coming from a typical accurate angled cross from Steve. Despite the goals, Yellow managed to bicker and argue quite a lot. They could have had another but for Richard P clearing off the line. He had a goal line moment again later on but from his point of view it sadly didn’t go in, stopping on the line between keeper Steve and the post. Finally Red did score with a mazey solo dribble from Richard N who poked in. It gave some hope but not long before the break a ping pong deflection ended up in the net, sadly for Darren, his own one. Yellow 4-1 up at the break.
Sadly Oz’s Easter Monday generosity of half time refreshments that I forgot to give credit for last week wasn’t to be repeated. I could get used to that. But then it’s more of a pleasant unexpected surprise when it happens. Not that surprises are expected, otherwise they wouldn’t be surprises would they? Anyway, should anyone else wish to unexpectedly surprise with novel half time refreshments, please do. Thank you Oz.
Back at the ranch, Red seemed invigorated in part two and the hill and wind took pity and swapped allegances. However, it didn’t help. Ed who’d not had his best game as right back was put up front. This confused the Red defence and he promptly scored. It wasn’t to be all Yellow though. Daniel replied with a peach, dispossessing in midfield, and spurting betwixt two defenders with a deft feint and firing low into the corner. James added to the tally with a nice touch of control from Darren’s pass and hit a volley across the keeper into the net. There were a couple more efforts towards the end with John M stealing Daniel’s claim to goal of the game. I can’t quite recall how it came about but out of nowhere he cheakily chipped the ball over a crowd of defenders and keeper into the top corner. Other points of note were the regular ding dongs between Colin and Kevin, Ahmet and Darren (again), Tufan (welcome back) and his spinning twirls that frustrated friends and foe alike but he put in at least two I think as a result and Richard P cooly left a corner which bounced along the bar.
In the words of a certain Mr Forsyth, “Good game, good game.”
Final score: Yellow 7 – 4 Red
So James assured me he’d turn up. Luckily we had enough for 4-a-side but he didn’t know that. So using my imaginative writing skills I will sully his name in punishment…..let this be a warning to the rest of you.
Take your mind to a dark place. No, darker than that.
In the absence of windows a low wattage bulb hanging from an old wooden beam provides just enough light to reveal the damp brick walls of the cellar and the unfolding scene……
An old kitchen table stands in the middle of the room. The rest of the space is bare except against the walls are a number of chairs, some occupied, some not. They sit in the shadows, a few hunched forward with hooded eyes staring. Indiscernible old men, some with a cigarette in one hand and the wisps of smoke gently rising in the gloom. Watching, always watching. A sparkle sometimes reflects off a gold tooth exposed by a sinister grin.
The rope is tied around his wrists, knotted to the table legs, biting into his skin and keeping him bound face down upon the table which moves backwards and forwards, backwards and forwards, creaking rhythmically. He had intended to leave for football two hours ago, he really had – the Liverpool top he was still wearing was proof of this. Some of them liked that but there were a few Everton supporters in the queue; the increased tempo and ferocity meant he could tell who they were even without being able to turn around to see.
A large trickle of spit runs down to the underside of the snooker ball strapped firmly in his mouth keeping him from screaming out. The screaming wasn’t for trying to attract attention of someone who would hear him, nor for the pain. No, there was no pain, just pleasure. You could tell (if you’d been in the room) by the glint of satisfaction in his eyes. The saliva stretched from the underside of ball and dripped to the pool on the floor below and as he fought for breath, a bubble of snot burst out of his nostril. James liked the Everton fans the most.
Anyway….
Yellow (4): Oz, John, Ed, Jim M
Red (4): Steve, Daniel, Richard P, Jeremy
Welcome back Steve and thank you for bringing a friend. We split the teams on who’d turn up in Red clothes and those who hadn’t. Sunny & warm with cut grass.
Tit-for-tat initially. Yellow drew blood first but Red soon equalised, and soon scored again only for Yellow pull them back. Red then slowly increased their lead to 6-3 up at half time. It could have been worse but Jim M made some great saves. The best goal was an Arsenal-esque one touch masterclass ding dong ding dong ding dong up through the field between Jeremy and Richard P (I think, though it could have been Steve but it definitely wasn’t me) culminating with the ball in the net, tasty. Also tasty was Daniel being described as Dennis Bergkamp! A pass up through midfield arrived with two defenders just behind and either side of him. With his back to goal and deft touch to the right he nutmegged the defender while spinning on the spot and fired low into the far corner. Hmmmmm
Yellow came out with a little more oompf because they talked about football at half time (Red discussed the merits of AV) and they slowly but deservedly clawed their way back to 7-7. Steve always brings some pinpoint passing with him and John on the other team was much the same. Oz popped off some shots, blocked by opponents and teammates alike and Ed provided the speed down the wings. In the final 5 minutes, when it could have been anyone’s for the taking, Richard P (inspired by a fan base who made more noise than a Justin Bieber crowd) popped in the killer blow – the valiant fightback wasn’t to be.
Final Score: Red 8 – 7 Yellow
Red (4): Richard P, Oz, Jim N, Darren
Yellow (4): Paul, Ahmet, Daniel, Jim M
Sunny, rather warm.
Five waited. And hoped. Much like a Sergio Leone film, the camera went from one face to next, the suspense growing as the clock ticked on. Would there be a game? Suspicious eyes flicked from one person to the next, mistrust building. Why had we come? Who’d let us down? Was that a squeaky metal windmill adding to the uneasiness? No, it was Jim N on his bike cycling out of the haze, dodging the tumbleweed. Game ON! Oz looked up from under his wide brimmed stetson, a grin of satisfaction relieving the tension and the hitherton unseen half-withdrawn revolvers were carefully eased back into the holsters by their sweaty-handed and nervous owners. And just when we’d settled on three a-side, Paul and Ahmet appeared from opposite ends of the park. Huzzah – we believed!
Teams were decided on dividing the Darren/Ahmet height. Quite even we thought. However, Yellow pulled away to a 6-1 lead. Then it settled a bit. The first half entertainment was provided by Darren’s goalkeeping juggling act. Red finally figured out a response and with Yellow suggesting a change of teams at half time, Jim N completed his hatrick using the same move each time (nutmeg and run) and helped Red go into the break at a more respectable 7-4 down.
They came out fighting too, taking advantage of Yellow nonchalance and pulled it back to 7-6. In response, Yellow teased…8-6, 9-6, 9-7, 10-7, 11-7, 11-8, 12-8, 12-9…always keeping a couple of goals to the good, despite several wayward shots from both teams. Second half entertainment was provided by a toddler walking onto the pitch wanting to play, ball, flag – anything would do. The nearest adult denied any association with halfpint and it took at least a minute of shouting out into the park “Is this anyone’s child?” before someone claimed him. Yellow were marginally better with their passing and Red finally succumbed in the last 10 minutes. Oz comfortably held onto a bouncing through ball/shot but contrived to spill it two seconds later. Daniel snapped at the chance and slotted home. Red hope evaporated in the heat and the floodgates opened.
A slightly flattering result at the final whistle, however I think everyone scored and ’twas a pleasant morning.
Final score: Yellow 17 – 10 Red
Red (6): Oz, Jeremy, Jim M, Gerald, Daniel, Adi (a random)
Yellow (6): Kevin, Jim N, JP, Paul, James C, Richard N
Jim M returns – welcome back. Sunny and as predicted, freshly mown grass and useful white lines marked out.
A ten minute hatrick for Daniel at the beginning of the game. Yellow replied with a floaty long ball from Kevin towards Paul who couldn’t jump high enough. Sadly neither could Jeremy who’d come out too far, flapped and watched the ball soar in. Adi the random was quite good down the left wing and put one in.
The enjoyment of the grass was short-lived as we were unfortunately interrupted by Gaelic Football ladies at half time so we were forced back to the grassy plains, I’m sure I saw a zebra. Yellow peppered the Red goal at the beginning of the second half, firing off a volley of shots but with minimal success. Jeremy went on a mazy dribble to slot one in. JP got stuck in front of goal but after about half a minute of drag back tricks and just when everyone thought the moment had long gone, he popped in a shot. He later sadly failed to deliver a killer pass to Jim N who, running through the centre, pleaded: “Unleash me JP!”
Final score: Red 8 – 3 Yellow
Also, I spotted this the day before….
BBC Live text: 09.04.11
“Osman never gets enough credit for me as a player. Always offers creativity & a goal threat.”
Yellow (5.5): Oz, Ahmet, Ed, Mike, Colin, Darren – 1st half
Red (5.5): James, Richard N, JP, Daniel, Richard P, Darren – 2nd half
A surfeit of bibs, thank you Oz. Firm ground.
Nothing came off for Red, Yellow used the extra man well and pulled away to a 4-1 lead. This wasn’t helped by Richard handing in the penalty area and Oz slotting away to wipe off Daniel’s 100% penalty save record. He made amends shortly after to turn an Oz header over the bar with a rare reaction save. Richard N then decided once wasn’t enough and handled again just outside the area but thankfully the free kick came to nothing.
In the scond half not much happened as Yellow found a bus and put it to good effect and JP showed his frustration by picking up the ball to throw it in the net. But then in the last 15 minutes Red finally managed to put away 3 goals, the tastiest being a head on from Darren to James who deftly flicked past the keeper. However, Yellow also managed to score four more, always keeping at least 2 ahead. Ahmet shot low from distance which Daniel should have done better with, Mike bagged a couple and Ed headed in.
It was closer than the scoreline suggests but Yellow did what they had to do and hit on the break, Red walked away frustrated.
Final score: Yellow 8 – 4 Red
Red (7): Darren, JP, Colin, Oz, Ed, James, Matt
Yellow (8): John, Jeremy, Gerald, Paul, Daniel, Kevin, Richard N, Jim N
I’m going to apologies in advance for this report. Sorry.
15! The average attendence this year is astounding! But as a result it does mean that proper tactics and formations are being used. This in turn leads to more a more sensible and organised approach and fewer goals. And even if you fuck up, there’s usually someone there to cover your incompetant ass. I’m therefore left with very little material to work with and consequently my recent reports are short, similar and lack humourous originality. Since the end of the year we seem to have gone from the maverick style of present-day Spurs to the boring boring Arsenal of yesteryear.
Hard ground, bouncy ball, Yellow with the extra man and eventually starting (after a late arrival, changing teams, changing tops and changing the pitch size – ring any bells Mr Key?) JP was the first to take advantage of the lack of control to slot home. Paul replied soon after as a result of some good pressing by the Yellow forwards to force an error and he stroked home into an empty net. John bravely headed clear a Red corner which almost took his head off. Bobbling also led to the third goal with Jeremy preventing Matt from taking a shot but failing to make enough contact to prevent Colin taking over the lose ball to poke home. 2-1 to Red at half time.
The second half had even less “action.” Kevin took a Paul clearance staright in the head, Jeremy took a JP shot straight in the goolies. Daniel hit the post after failing to get the ball out from under his feet to get off a proper shot and Jim N was almost on target but his shot curled away from goal. Oz was a hero, sterling for Red in goal, saving a number of shots. He was also a zero, the instigator in their main tactic of the last 15 minutes: route one long ball football which left a lot to be desired, not pretty. Not pretty at all. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Final score: Red 2 – 1 Yellow
Did you know?: The average number of goals per game for games played between awards night and the end of March has gone from 15.5 in 2008 down to 9.2 this year.
Did you know?: The average attendence for the same period has gone from 9.7 per game in 2008 up to 12.1 this year.
That means…..drum roll for stats analysis…….we’re letting in 2.6 goals less per extra person.
I thank yaw