Match reports

Red (6): James, Daniel, Richard P, Darren, Richard N, Kevin
Yellow (7): Ahmet, Oz, John M, Colin, Ed, Steve, Tufan

Sunny, windy & firm.

After a fortnight of meagre attendence, we’re back to normal – thank you for your bank holiday love.
An uphill battle for Red from the start, literally on the slope and figuratively with numbers. Even the wind was against them. But in to the valley rode the 6.
And promptly went 3-0 down. A header for Colin was the best, the assist coming from a typical accurate angled cross from Steve. Despite the goals, Yellow managed to bicker and argue quite a lot. They could have had another but for Richard P clearing off the line. He had a goal line moment again later on but from his point of view it sadly didn’t go in, stopping on the line between keeper Steve and the post. Finally Red did score with a mazey solo dribble from Richard N who poked in. It gave some hope but not long before the break a ping pong deflection ended up in the net, sadly for Darren, his own one. Yellow 4-1 up at the break.
Sadly Oz’s Easter Monday generosity of half time refreshments that I forgot to give credit for last week wasn’t to be repeated. I could get used to that. But then it’s more of a pleasant unexpected surprise when it happens. Not that surprises are expected, otherwise they wouldn’t be surprises would they? Anyway, should anyone else wish to unexpectedly surprise with novel half time refreshments, please do. Thank you Oz.
Back at the ranch, Red seemed invigorated in part two and the hill and wind took pity and swapped allegances. However, it didn’t help. Ed who’d not had his best game as right back was put up front. This confused the Red defence and he promptly scored. It wasn’t to be all Yellow though. Daniel replied with a peach, dispossessing in midfield, and spurting betwixt two defenders with a deft feint and firing low into the corner. James added to the tally with a nice touch of control from Darren’s pass and hit a volley across the keeper into the net. There were a couple more efforts towards the end with John M stealing Daniel’s claim to goal of the game. I can’t quite recall how it came about but out of nowhere he cheakily chipped the ball over a crowd of defenders and keeper into the top corner. Other points of note were the regular ding dongs between Colin and Kevin, Ahmet and Darren (again), Tufan (welcome back) and his spinning twirls that frustrated friends and foe alike but he put in at least two I think as a result and Richard P cooly left a corner which bounced along the bar.
In the words of a certain Mr Forsyth, “Good game, good game.”

Final score: Yellow 7 – 4 Red


So James assured me he’d turn up. Luckily we had enough for 4-a-side but he didn’t know that. So using my imaginative writing skills I will sully his name in punishment…..let this be a warning to the rest of you.
Take your mind to a dark place. No, darker than that.

In the absence of windows a low wattage bulb hanging from an old wooden beam provides just enough light to reveal the damp brick walls of the cellar and the unfolding scene……
An old kitchen table stands in the middle of the room. The rest of the space is bare except against the walls are a number of chairs, some occupied, some not. They sit in the shadows,  a few hunched forward with hooded eyes staring. Indiscernible old men, some with a cigarette in one hand and the wisps of smoke gently rising in the gloom. Watching, always watching. A sparkle sometimes reflects off a gold tooth exposed by a sinister grin.
The rope is tied around his wrists, knotted to the table legs, biting into his skin and keeping him bound face down upon the table which moves backwards and forwards, backwards and forwards, creaking rhythmically. He had intended to leave for football two hours ago, he really had – the Liverpool top he was still wearing was proof of this. Some of them liked that but there were a few Everton supporters in the queue; the increased tempo and ferocity meant he could tell who they were even without being able to turn around to see.
A large trickle of spit runs down to the underside of the snooker ball strapped firmly in his mouth keeping him from screaming out. The screaming wasn’t for trying to attract attention of someone who would hear him, nor for the pain. No, there was no pain, just pleasure. You could tell (if you’d been in the room) by the glint of satisfaction in his eyes. The saliva stretched from the underside of ball and dripped to the pool on the floor below and as he fought for breath, a bubble of snot burst out of his nostril. James liked the Everton fans the most.

Anyway….

Yellow (4): Oz, John, Ed, Jim M
Red (4): Steve, Daniel, Richard P, Jeremy

Welcome back Steve and thank you for bringing a friend. We split the teams on who’d turn up in Red clothes and those who hadn’t. Sunny & warm with cut grass.
Tit-for-tat initially. Yellow drew blood first but Red soon equalised, and soon scored again only for Yellow pull them back. Red then slowly increased their lead to 6-3 up at half time. It could have been worse but Jim M made some great saves. The best goal was an Arsenal-esque one touch masterclass ding dong ding dong ding dong up through the field between Jeremy and Richard P (I think, though it could have been Steve but it definitely wasn’t me) culminating with the ball in the net, tasty. Also tasty was Daniel being described as Dennis Bergkamp! A pass up through midfield arrived with two defenders just behind and either side of him. With his back to goal and deft touch to the right he nutmegged the defender while spinning on the spot and fired low into the far corner. Hmmmmm

Yellow came out with a little more oompf because they talked about football at half time (Red discussed the merits of AV) and they slowly but deservedly clawed their way back to 7-7. Steve always brings some pinpoint passing with him and John on the other team was much the same. Oz popped off some shots, blocked by opponents and teammates alike and Ed provided the speed down the wings. In the final 5 minutes, when it could have been anyone’s for the taking, Richard P (inspired by a fan base who made more noise than a Justin Bieber crowd) popped in the killer blow – the valiant fightback wasn’t to be.

Final Score: Red 8 – 7 Yellow

Red (4): Richard P, Oz, Jim N, Darren
Yellow (4): Paul, Ahmet, Daniel, Jim M

Sunny, rather warm.
Five waited. And hoped. Much like a Sergio Leone film, the camera went from one face to next, the suspense growing as the clock ticked on. Would there be a game?  Suspicious eyes flicked from one person to the next, mistrust building. Why had we come? Who’d let us down? Was that a squeaky metal windmill adding to the uneasiness? No, it was Jim N on his bike cycling out of the haze, dodging the tumbleweed. Game ON! Oz looked up from under his wide brimmed stetson, a grin of satisfaction relieving the tension and the hitherton unseen half-withdrawn revolvers were carefully eased back into the holsters by their sweaty-handed and nervous owners. And just when we’d settled on three a-side, Paul and Ahmet appeared from opposite ends of the park. Huzzah – we believed!
Teams were decided on dividing the Darren/Ahmet height. Quite even we thought. However, Yellow pulled away to a 6-1 lead. Then it settled a bit. The first half entertainment was provided by Darren’s goalkeeping juggling act. Red finally figured out a response and with Yellow suggesting a change of teams at half time, Jim N completed his hatrick using the same move each time (nutmeg and run) and helped Red go into the break at a more respectable 7-4 down.
They came out fighting too, taking advantage of Yellow nonchalance and pulled it back to 7-6. In response, Yellow teased…8-6, 9-6, 9-7, 10-7, 11-7, 11-8, 12-8, 12-9…always keeping a couple of goals to the good, despite several wayward shots from both teams. Second half entertainment was provided by a toddler walking onto the pitch wanting to play, ball, flag – anything would do. The nearest adult denied any association with halfpint and it took at least a minute of shouting out into the park “Is this anyone’s child?” before someone claimed him. Yellow were marginally better with their passing and Red finally succumbed in the last 10 minutes. Oz comfortably held onto a bouncing through ball/shot but contrived to spill it two seconds later. Daniel snapped at the chance and slotted home.  Red hope evaporated in the heat and the floodgates opened.
A slightly flattering result at the final whistle, however I think everyone scored and ’twas a pleasant morning.

Final score: Yellow 17 – 10 Red

Red (6): Oz, Jeremy, Jim M, Gerald, Daniel, Adi (a random)
Yellow (6): Kevin, Jim N, JP, Paul, James C, Richard N

Jim M returns – welcome back. Sunny and as predicted, freshly mown grass and useful white lines marked out.
A ten minute hatrick for Daniel at the beginning of the game. Yellow replied with a floaty long ball from Kevin towards Paul who couldn’t jump high enough. Sadly neither could Jeremy who’d come out too far, flapped and watched the ball soar in. Adi the random was quite good down the left wing and put one in.
The enjoyment of the grass was short-lived as we were unfortunately interrupted by Gaelic Football ladies at half time so we were forced back to the grassy plains, I’m sure I saw a zebra. Yellow peppered the Red goal at the beginning of the second half, firing off a volley of shots but with minimal success. Jeremy went on a mazy dribble to slot one in. JP got stuck in front of goal but after about half a minute of drag back tricks and just when everyone thought the moment had long gone, he popped in a shot. He later sadly failed to deliver a killer pass to Jim N who, running through the centre, pleaded: “Unleash me JP!”

Final score: Red 8 – 3 Yellow

Also, I spotted this the day before….

BBC Live text: 09.04.11
“Osman never gets enough credit for me as a player. Always offers creativity & a goal threat.”

Yellow (5.5): Oz, Ahmet, Ed, Mike, Colin, Darren – 1st half
Red (5.5): James, Richard N, JP, Daniel, Richard P, Darren – 2nd half

A surfeit of bibs, thank you Oz. Firm ground.
Nothing came off for Red, Yellow used the extra man well and pulled away to a 4-1 lead. This wasn’t helped by Richard handing in the penalty area and Oz slotting away to wipe off Daniel’s 100% penalty save record. He made amends shortly after to turn an Oz header over the bar with a rare reaction save. Richard N then decided once wasn’t enough and handled again just outside the area but thankfully the free kick came to nothing.
In the scond half not much happened as Yellow found a bus and put it to good effect and JP showed his frustration by picking up the ball to throw it in the net. But then in the last 15 minutes Red finally managed to put away 3 goals, the tastiest being a head on from Darren to James who deftly flicked past the keeper. However, Yellow also managed to score four more, always keeping at least 2 ahead. Ahmet shot low from distance which Daniel should have done better with, Mike bagged a couple and Ed headed in.
It was closer than the scoreline suggests but Yellow did what they had to do and hit on the break, Red walked away frustrated.

Final score: Yellow 8 – 4 Red

Red (7): Darren, JP, Colin, Oz, Ed, James, Matt
Yellow (8): John, Jeremy, Gerald, Paul, Daniel, Kevin, Richard N, Jim N

I’m going to apologies in advance for this report. Sorry.
15! The average attendence this year is astounding! But as a result it does mean that proper tactics and formations are being used. This in turn leads to more a more sensible and organised approach and fewer goals. And even if you fuck up, there’s usually someone there to cover your incompetant ass. I’m therefore left with very little material to work with and consequently my recent reports are short, similar and lack humourous originality. Since the end of the year we seem to have gone from the maverick style of present-day Spurs to the boring boring Arsenal of yesteryear.
Hard ground, bouncy ball, Yellow with the extra man and eventually starting (after a late arrival, changing teams, changing tops and changing the pitch size – ring any bells Mr Key?) JP was the first to take advantage of the lack of control to slot home. Paul replied soon after as a result of some good pressing by the Yellow forwards to force an error and he stroked home into an empty net. John bravely headed clear a Red corner which almost took his head off. Bobbling also led to the third goal with Jeremy preventing Matt from taking a shot but failing to make enough contact to prevent Colin taking over the lose ball to poke home. 2-1 to Red at half time.
The second half had even less “action.” Kevin took a Paul clearance staright in the head, Jeremy took a JP shot straight in the goolies. Daniel hit the post after failing to get the ball out from under his feet to get off a proper shot and Jim N was almost on target but his shot curled away from goal. Oz was a hero, sterling for Red in goal, saving a number of shots. He was also a zero, the instigator in their main tactic of the last 15 minutes: route one long ball football which left a lot to be desired, not pretty. Not pretty at all. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Final score: Red 2 – 1 Yellow

Did you know?: The average number of goals per game for games played between awards night and the end of March has gone from 15.5 in 2008 down to 9.2 this year.

Did you know?: The average attendence for the same period has gone from 9.7 per game in 2008 up to 12.1 this year.

That means…..drum roll for stats analysis…….we’re letting in 2.6 goals less per extra person.

I thank yaw

Yellow (6): James, Jack, JP, Ahmet, Oz, Daniel
Red (7): Kevin, Jeremy, Colin, Darren, James C, Richard N, John

Strange teams – not a criticism, merely an opinion expressed by some.
Yellow always seemed to be chasing ever so slightly and the ground was a little unpredictable leading to several errors.
Red scored, Yellow equalised. Red scored, Yellow equalised. Red scored Yellow equalised. And with neither team content with a draw, the last ten minutes included chances at either end. Red triumphed with a minute to go, the ball breaking for James C to go one on one with the keeper and calmly slotting in.

Final score: Red 4 – 3 Yellow

Red (7): Colin, Darren, Gerald, James, Jim N, JP, Oz
Yellow (6): Ahmet, James C, Kevin, Matt, Jeremy, Richard N

Numerically even sides – defence vs attack? All the defensive eggs (Jeremy, Ahmet, Kevin, Richard N) on Yellow. A drier week meant the pitch was quite firm, even crusty in places which made for an uneven bounce. The game got underway and we quickly realised the other player involved; Bob-Lee Pitch. He was constantly blamed for poor control and wayward shots, rightly so it has to be said. Then from the mist, an apparition in blue – Darren, who was on Korean time, is allocated to Red. Game on! The aforementioned Bob-Lee made for a fairly random, bitty affair with a lack of the free-flowing movement we’re all used to. For example one of the biggest cheers was for Colin shepherding Ahmet for a throw in. A tight first half was punctuated in typical style by JP who bagged a couple of trademark strikes in the space of five minutes – both low, right-footed, across the goal. Yellow’s best chances came from throw-ins and corners where their overall height advantage could be felt. Red 2-0 up at half time.

The second half saw the introduction of a fine drizzle making for slippery conditions. Yellows, acknowledging their numerical inferiority, reorganised and defended deeper and squeezed the space to slow down the Ahmet juggernaut. These tactics reduced Red to only a few snippets in the second half but also reduced Yellow attacking options. Taking the aerial route, Yellow carved the better chances of the half with a series of excellent flick-ons from Ahmet. Red had their own chances. Some classic “Flying North” shots and JP being bounced around like a pinball by the Yellow defence but a stalemate ensued. With just one keeper change left Red got one back through Mr Crawford. Good pressure resulted in a crafty steal and he rode another challenge before unleashing into the net. This provided the rally and Yellow frantically threw everything forward to lay siege to the Red goal for the final five minutes and it was from a throw shortly after the shout of “15 seconds left” that Matt climbed to nod over the line. Incredible scenes! This is what we live for.

Final score: Red 2 – 2 Yellow

Quote of the game: “Control the bobble, control the game.” Gerald. 3 mins.

Yellow: Oz, Richard P, Daniel, Jack, John

Red: Richard N, Paul, Jim N, Kevin, Gerald

5-a-side. Sunny. Soft. Fallow – needs a trim.

Oh whatever. Vague memories of a good yet slightly non-descript game (hence the bland report) include: Jack was solid in defence. Oz laid off a-plenty. Daniel dinked one in from a John corner after an un-marked run. He also took a corner and although he tried to aim for Oz’s head at the back post, he scuffed the ground with his boot and the ball stayed low and curled straight into the goal past Gerald. He then conspired with John to miss at every (and numerous they were) opportunity. Red – my apologies, I can’t recall anything you did apart from Richard N and Jim N flummoxing each other from a cross field ball from Kevin. 5-3 to Yellow at half time.

Second half, Red caught the missing disease and couldn’t score for toffee, Paul being strangely off-colour. In contrast, Yellow did take their chances and pulled away to a comfortable win, first time strikes being the name of the game with Jack, Richard P and Daniel all scoring low strikes from generous lay offs – good team play. John lost his 100% losing streak, Gerald lost his 100% winning streak.

Final score: Yellow 9 – 3 Red

Red: Richard P, Ed, Ahmet, Mike*, Alex*

Yellow: Richard N, Oz, Kevin, Colin, Daniel

*Newbies – welcome!

5-a-side. Sunny! Soggy. For future reference, the top of the hill doesn’t drain any quicker than the usual patch. Yellow scored first with Colin deftly poking in from a low corner. Red replied promptly and the pulled away to a 9-4 lead over the game, the new twosome turned out to be quite good. Too many goals for me to recall. I do remember Ahmet unselfishly crossing for Ed at the backpost who managed to prod home nonchalantly despite looking extremely put out to even have to move his leg to hit the ball in from half a yard out. Mike tried a overhead scissor but missed the ball although he put away a couple of other tasty goals. Yellow forgot to select a keeper at the beginning of the second half but they did finally perk up in the last 10 minutes to score 4 goals. Huzzah! Sadly Red scored another 3 in the same time.

Final score: Red 11 – 8 Yellow