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Match report: 01.04.13

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Red: Daniel, JP, Julius, Keith, Richard N, Chris
Yellow: Oz, Ahmet, Steve, Tufan, Prit, Rich

Happy Easter and what a Bank Holiday Monday April Fools Day turnout – 11! And then Chris eventually arrived about 10 minutes before half time…12! A return from injury for Keith too. And quite an attacking line-up.
But his arrival was ominous. It had been a very even game and stood at 4-3 to Yellow. But Chris’s addition to Red changed things somewhat…Yellow increased the lead to 8-4  by half time! He doesn’t like trees apparently so went to the toilets during the break. We would have waited but we all had plans for the afternoon so it was a quick restart. Yellow could have made it worse with Tufan breaking clear and opening up to curl one around Daniel in goal. It was perfect too and Daniel turned to pick it out of the back of the net only to see the ball fly back across the goal past his head to safety – utter confusion until it transpired that Chris had jogged down from the cafe, seen the attack in fruition and sprinted along the goal line just in time to make the clearance. It inspired a fightback with a couple going in and then Daniel was released down the right wing and tried to curl a cross to Julius at the far post. Unfortunately for Tufan who, in anticipation, had come out to intercept this exact pass, and surprisingly for Daniel, the ball curled the other way into the vacant goal behind him. 8-7! It made up for his earlier misses and the accidental block of JP’s shot – he really was trying to get out of the way. And another made it 8-8 with about 10 minutes to go. Richard made a couple for cracking one on one saves; Oz was an effective distribution centre; there were some heavy touches today, (were we caught out by the firm ground?) Rich being the guiltiest with one or two of his cross field passes to Steve going beyond the touchline; way beyond! Tufan got a usual few goals but also helped the keepers by being a bit obvious where he was going to shoot by opening up his body. He learned though, Julius didn’t know which way to start diving so he slowly fell over backwards waiting for for the shot and Tufan duly side footed gently past him. Ahmet went on one or two of his goalkeeper forays, he can’t help himself. Yellow got one, Red got one, Yellow got another, Red didn’t.

Final score: Yellow 10 – 9 Red
 
Quote of the day: Steve, in the style of Alan Partridge: “Switch. Switch. Switch… Switch… switch…. switch…”
April Fool of the day? Anyone who didn’t show up!
April 8, 2013
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Match report: 24.03.13

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Report by Gerald

Reds: Kevin, Gerald, Ahmet, Martin (Robert, withdrew injured)
Yellows:  Tufan, Matt, Steve, Jim N., Prit

 

They stood in the bitter wind.  Three brave men.  Three men waiting.  Waiting in Faith.

Jim.  Martin.  Matt.

And then a fourth joined the three.  The fourth was me. And then a fifth.
The gods of association football called out in hideous mirth from from winged perches in bare trees.
The bitter wind blew, driving icy tears from grown men’s eyes.  Biting, cutting, scouring skin.
And a man, number six, joined the five.  It was agreed.  Enough for a game.
Jim.  Martin. Matt.  Gerald.  Tufan.  Kevin.
The bitter wind blew, iron doors were wrenched open.  Bags and kit, stiff with mud and ice, assembled.
Two fellow travellers in the cold.  Two of The Others, Prit and Robert.  These two joined the six.
Steve, the Wanderer, cast adrift from his Sunday League, was the ninth.
Ahmet, the Tall, watched from the Common edge.  Until the goals were set up.  He made the tenth.
Saturday’s roll call had brought 1 firm ‘yes’.  Yet here, today, were Five A Side.
El Capitano was absent.  But the rituals were followed according to ancient Law, lest the gods of football be angered still.
Thirteen paces from goal to corner? Yes, said the ten, to the Gods of Varying Stride.
Play area wider in breadth than in length? Yes, said the ten, to the Gods of Misshapen Pitch.
Pitch moved twenty metres to the South West to avoid the puddles? Yes, said the ten to the Gods of the Swamp Flies.
Goals rotated by 90 degrees to satisfy the Gods of Procrastination and Indecision?  Yes, yes, yes said the ten. And the goals were moved.
But in the searing cold the ten said ‘No’ to 40 minute halves.  They prayed for 30 minute halves.  Yes, said the Gods of Digital Timepieces.
And, gods satisfied, rituals complete, players well-greaved, the game began.
Yellows scored, then Reds.  Ahmet the Powerful.
1-1.
Yellows scored. No reply.
2-1.
Tufan slippery and subtle, slipped through defence.
3-1.
Then Reds.  Ahmet the Dribbler.
3-2.
Then Reds.  Ahmet the Tall.
3-3.
Robert, warding off illness and evil spirits, lay resting on the bags.  But without respite.  He retreated to Cafe, thence home. Ten men became nine.
Reds had lost a man.  But they played on in the bitter, biting wind.  Martin ran, patrolling, marshalling, tireless.  Rewarded by a goal.
4-4 at Half-Time.
The mud stuck in clods to boots.  Pride stuck to the Four and to the Five.  Military Fitness, Blue Team, watched and worshipped from close by.  Arms up.  Arms down.  Arms up.
Second half.  Reds a man down.  An early passage of play the likes of which not seen since the dark days of Ruskin Park.  It was bad.  Red ball mis-hit to the opposition; yellow mis-hit a long ball back.  Red mis-hit at goal. Yellow mis-save. Bounce off Red.  Goal to Reds.
5-4
It was not what the punters had paid to watch.  The gods, as parakeets, laughed in the trees.
A police van squealed down the Rye.  Altogether now:  “You’re Not Going To Sell Many Ice-Creams Going At That Speed”.
Two minutes of Ahmet that Changed the Match: Reds scored.  Ahmet. 6-4. Reds scored.  Ahmet. 7-4. Reds scored Ahmet. 8-4.
Yellows fought back.  Heads held high.
Kevin scored with right foot (his wrong foot), in honour perhaps of Jonathan Key’s left foot (his right foot). Ahmet scored with left foot (his wrong foot), in honour perhaps of Jonathan Key’s left foot (his right foot).
The score ticked over.  The mud flew. The crows cawed.  The wind blew. 8-5, 9-5, 9-6, 10-6, 10-7, 10-8, 10-9, 11-9
Gerald, tireless in defence, hopeless in goal, fluffed an easy save 11-10. 1 minute left.  But there was no respite for yellows from the insidious cold wind of defeat that blew across the Common.
Ahmet The Goal Machine 12-10.
Time gentleman please.
The gods appeased.  Nine men became eight became seven became six became five.  Goals muddied and sullied, dismantled, disassembled.  The Common now empty of footballing folk.  The goals and gods are gone, but the wind still howls.  The swamp flies and the crows return.

Good night, gents, good night, good night sweet gents.

Final score:  Reds 12 – 10 Yellows
March 25, 2013
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Match report: 17.03.13

By Match reportsNo Comments

Yellow: Ahmet, Kevin, Richard, Jim
Red: Daniel, Tufan, Toby, Colin

A good dose of rain for the last 24 hours, yes, that’s just what this pitch needed. I like a bog, it suits my style.  Unfortunately not everyone else agreed so we went trudging around for a firm spot. Sadly Carrib were due to play on the flat triangle so we couldn’t play there. So bog it was, goody for me and my shrunken-boot-replacing astros. Small numbers so the no-shooting-from-your-own-half rule was implemented. And ’twas the first game amongst ourselves for a few weeks, although annoyingly the Hairdressers then played on the triangle. The pitch was they key factor, anyone could win this…..
Red got up to 3-1 despite Daniel sidefooting wide of the post with the goal mouth gaping. Yellow rallied up to 4-4 and then romped to 8-5 before Red replied just before the break to make it 8-6 and the lead changed hands after the break too.
An own goal ricocheted in of Richard. Several long shots from around half way mark…..Toby got one into the top corner, Richard’s headed attempt was ruled out for being a yard or two inside his own half, Daniel fired low around the retreating keeper – Yellow suffered more from these attempts as their various keepers chose to probe forward whilst Red keepers were a bit more cautious. Daniel’s dipping shot was just falling inside the top far corner, impressive attempt but Kevin got in an equally impressive finger tip over the bar save to deny him. Toby got a cheeky back heel. Colin let a simple save squirm through his hands, painful for his team to watch but equality restored when Ahmet let a similar save slip through his hands. Tufan got the muddiest with a diving save or two. And making up for Daniel’s earlier miss, Ahmet somehow conspired to end up with the ball right on the goal line after eluding the keeper, only to bamboozle himself with dribbling trickery and the keeper managed to pounce back onto the ball with relief. Toby hoofed one into Richard’s goolies leaving a clean patch on the muddy ball. Richard’s attempt to get him back was no where near as successful. Jim, Gerald got a goal each from a tight angle. Daniel had a rather good stint in goal and such was his confidence, he volunteered to see the game out.

Final score: Yellow 17 – 20 Red

March 25, 2013
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Match report: 10.03.13

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Red: Gerald, Colin, Daniel, Chris, Phil (for first 15 minutes), Ahmet (joined at 15 minutes)
Yellow: Julius, Oz, Tufan, Alan, Joel, Phil (for final 65 minutes)

Happy Mother’s Day mothers!

A chilly breeze blew in from the east. And with it came a slow trickle of shivering men. What a wonderful open game, good counter-attacking and quick passing, initially by Yellow who took a two goal lead. Red had been a bit shaky with possession but realised the error of their ways and soon settled into a similar style. Then Ahmet arrived and joined Red and Phil swapped to Yellow. A controversial moment followed with Julius and Daniel scrambling for possession, a foul being given to Yellow and after discussions disputing it, the free kick was eventually given which probably should have been a penalty given the position but Tufan scored anyway to put them 4-1 up; he was being particularly evasive in attack. Up the other end the keeper picked up a back pass. A free kick two yards out (with Yellow parking the bus with five men filling the goal face) was taken by Gerald who crossed gently for Colin to find the only gap. The impetus had changed and Red took the bull by the horns and made up the remaining difference including a header by Ahmet from a corner but Yellow pulled a reply out of the bag to go 5-4 up just before the break.
A quick turnaround worked out for Yellow who went 7-4 up, taking advantage of the extra man but they stagnated and Red reduced it to 7-6. Daniel got a Colin clearance full in the face and collapsed in a heap. Just when Jeremy walked passed looking for some nostalgia and he promptly taunted the sprawled figure with some feeble witicism. Good to see you sir. It was end-to-end-stuff in the last 10 minutes and Yellow looked to be just about safe but then Gerald dribbled forward innocuously and took a shot from outside the area which went in off the keepers knee. 7-7 with two minutes to go. Who would be the hero? Anyone want to step up? Walk away the man taking this week’s glory? No, no one. But like I said at the start, a very enjoyable, open game and a fair result. Sorry I can’t recall many goals, a little dazed and a black eye feels imminent.

Finals score: Red 7-7 Yellow

Quote of the day: “the finger of destiny” a description by Gerald in response to him deciding to pass the ball in one direction at the same time noticing his intended recipient was pointing the other way.

March 10, 2013
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Match report: 03.03.13

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Red: Ahmet, Daniel, Richard, Martin (1st half), Jim, James, Joel, Chris, ?, Jan (majority of the second half)
Yellow: Matt, Steve, Tufan, Oz, Colin, Alan, Pete, Prit, Tommy, Jan (last ten minutes of the second half).

How do we go from only two to 18? Admittedly seven hairdressers boosted the numbers but that’s still 11 of us. And I was in drunk/hungover limbo after 4 hours sleep and with 9-a-side it’s already been a task to recall the names and who was which team.
James opened the scoring after Chris kept possession on the left wing. Red got a second after a shot was deflected in by Colin past Pete in goal. Tufan got off a low poke which Jim left to safely go wide, as it rolled neatly just inside the post. Martin pulled his hamstring towards the end of the half (get well soon sir) so was subbed and replaced by a waiting Jan. Jim got off a shot but a bit of role reversal meant that this time Pete got the deflection to put it past Colin. Alan went on a run down the left to fire in at the near post. Matt took a goal kick to Steve – the softest thing you ever did see and Jim didn’t need any encouragement to pounce and roll the ball into the empty net. A muted celebration for the mischievous and talentless effort – the opposite end of the scale to Richard’s once-in-a-lifetime-peak-of-his-career-never-going-to-get-another-one-like-that-again goal from last week. We’d started late so Tufan had to leave with ten minutes to go. Jan kindly swapped sides, he’d been effective Red and promptly put one in for Yellow too. Red made the most of their chances near the end, Yellow couldn’t summon a response.

Inspiring summary, what? That’s all I can be bothered to write as the hangover has definitely settled in.

Red 7 – 3 Yellow

March 3, 2013
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Match report: 24.02.13

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Red: Ahmet, Daniel, Matt, & Alan, Phil, James, Chris (first half)
Yellow: Richard, Toby, Oz, Jim, & Prit, Stuart, Chris (second half)

A bit nippy. El Capitano was brave to call the game. But he’s El Capitano for a reason and fortune favoured the seven who showed up who were joined by six of them. And after a dry week, the flat triangle was very firm indeed, no sticky mud in sight! Despite the cool breeze, we still managed to dillydally for a while. Chris was the latest to show up but it was 0-0 so he joined Red for the first half.

Soon after though, Red made the impact with some quick one touch stuff, Daniel running down the left wing, passing in to Alan, receiving it back and then pinging to Matt at the back post to touch in. They repeated the move soon after, Alan and Daniel again opening up the Yellow defence, almost a carbon copy down the left but this time Daniel squared for James to fire in. It settled down after that for a little while but then Richard gained possession inside his own half, and after a tackle that saw the ball rise up, he chested it, took a touch and on the half volley, fired at the goal. What a peach! It swerved gently to the right and rocketed inch-perfect into the top corner beyond the reach of the diving keeper. Saaahhhh-weeeeeeet! A collective murmur of gasps, whoops and cheers, appreciation from both teams and even the beaten keeper clapped. The gauntlet is down for goal of the season. And possibly personal retribution from a West Ham fan for that remarkably similar Daniel Agger goal against them in 2006. They got another too despite being the man down. Jim surged forward and although he took a heavy touch and the  keeper got in tackle, the ball fell kindly out of the tangle for Jim to stroke into the empty net. Sadly the turnaround didn’t happen and Red’s numerical superiority paid off and they went into the break 3-2 up. No recollection at all who got the goal, sorry.
Chris swapped to Yellow for the second half, thank you sir.
Ahmet, as keeper, went on a mazey dribble right through the centre of the pitch evading numerous tackles only to see his eventual shot hit the post and roll back across the goal to safety. A high ball over top fell for Matt to perfectly control it…..into Oz’s path. I couldn’t quite see what happened next but what looked like a pass back to the keeper was under hit and either Matt or Alan latched on to the error to poke home. Phil, who’d had a mixed game ended up with the ball after a Red clearance and went one on one with Stuart who was guarding the Yellow goal. However he seemed to be unaware that he was poised significantly to the side of the target so Phil shot into the gaping hole. 5-2 up with 10 minutes to go. Red decided to tempt fate with several awkward backpasses to Daniel in goal….dangerous tactics given his reputation between the sticks but no errors! Come on, that deserves a mention. But Yellow weren’t beaten and they got a reply to give hope, once again, no memory of who or how. And after some scrappy play in the last few minutes, Toby lined up and hit the ball low and hard into the the far left corner. Nice finish but it was literally the last kick of the game, the clock beeping just after. A closely fought game and almost a late comeback.

Final score: Red 5 – 4 Yellow
February 25, 2013
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Match report: 17.02.13

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Yellow: JP, Ahmet, Martin, Richard, Julius, Gerald, Phil
Red: Tufan, Daniel, Oz, Matt, Larry, Alan, Danny

SUN!!!! From the the brink of Dante’s cancellation inferno to the soaring heights of angelic confirmation, this game was very nearly cancelled but on Saturday some maybes showed their mettle and then several nos changed their minds to turn up on the day. And with a very meagre showing from the Hairdressers, in spite of the hot, bright, golden sphere in the sky, we absorbed their foresome to make 7-a-side!!
We dithered about the pitch but settled on the triangle again – reasonably firm compared to the permanent quagmire that is Peckham Rye.
Martin popped in a brace within five minutes of the start and despite some solid play from Red, Yellow took their chances, Ahmet, JP and Julius making up a formidable attacking threesome pulling away to a 5-1 lead. Oz didn’t seem to be his efficient self, a couple of passes went astray and he kicked air as a chance to half-volley a cross came his way – very unusual. At half time, Yellow lost JP and Larry departed for Red, down to 6-a-side.
Red popped in one to make it 5-2 but a lack of chances meant the game steadied a bit. But suddenly with 12 minutes to go, Red popped in three in two minutes!! Matt, who’s frustration with not much paying off despite his best efforts, got one of them, raising his his fists in the air and sinking to his knees in joyous relief. Richard almost got one back with a shot hitting the post and Oz’s attempt a minute later also went out off the woodwork. But Yellow were shellshocked, they’d led since the start only for this kick in the guts. Their heads lowered and Red were suddenly first to every ball. And Gerald vocally complained about the lack of defence, something we’ve seen several times recently – the team on the backfoot attacking in numbers to get goals but abandoning the rear and being punished. Daniel had been in goal for the turn of fortune but came out to help make a sixth scored by Danny, dinked in the seventh himself and watched with the rest of Red as Tufan went on a solo dribble to put in an eighth. An amazing turnaround. And Martin, an unofficial record perhaps? The longest time for a player left hanging on a hatrick…75 mins.
Final score: Red 8 – 5 Yellow
February 17, 2013
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Match report: 10.02.13

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Yellow: Richard, Kevin, Daniel, Matt, Colin
Red: Oz, Ahmet, JP, Tufan

For the first 15 minutes.

Muddy. Even though it hadn’t rained much when I confirmed the game late on Friday night, it then decided to rain consistently so the ‘firm’ pitch from last week was not, as I had foretold, better. However, despite three comments trying to attribute blame in my direction under some misguided, though flattering, assumption that as El Capitano I am all powerful, I cannot alter the weather. And this swapping of players with late arrivals or people pulling out through injury during a game is playing havoc with my statistical records. What to do….?

Matt got us started with a calm finish but then Red pulled away to a 6-2 lead after 20 minutes with Tufan causing the most damage, surprising as they were a man down.

And then John arrived. For those not in the know, John has trouble with time. In 2011 he won the ‘Most likely to turn up late’ award (well-earned) yet he turned up a week EARLY for curry night.

So the teams changed to:

Yellow: Richard, Kevin, Daniel, Matt, Tufan
Red: Oz, Ahmet, JP, Colin, John

5-a-side. It’s just a blur of goals in my memory so in no particular order, things of note include…

  • Tufan immediately scoring for his new paymasters to give them hope.
  • Oz looking like a cow had shat on him after heading the ball that left a large splat of mud on his forehead. He also patted down a shot in a rather effeminate fashion, I was up the other end (fnar fnar) so missed the homophobic comments but still muttered something to myself about Larry Grayson.
  • Matt cheering enthusiastically for number 53, one of the British Military Fitness people. Why he chose that particular man is anyone’s guess.
  • Tufan with his back to goal on the left wing tried to flick a volley over the advancing keeper – stunning effort but the woodwork saved the blushes with the ball bouncing off the bar.
  • The woodwork came to the rescue on least 9 occasions, deflecting the ball to safety each time.
  • Several blind backheels, Matt being the instigator. None of them worked but the disease seemed to spread to the rest of the team.
  • Colin’s ‘skip’ manoeuvre  down the wing that we’d seen a couple of weeks ago was met with a similar enthusiastic cheer when he bamboozled Daniel down the wing.
  • JP has struggled to find the net since that goal against the Hairdressers on his return France but he was merely saving them up for today and couldn’t stop putting them in.
  • An unfortunate own-goal from Kevin who earlier had mentioned Gareth Barry’s howler from yesterday.

Everything worked for Red, nowt for Yellow and the lead kept on increasing after the interruption. In response Yellow ploughed forward to restore at least some parity. It wasn’t to be found, but as a result neither was any defence so the gap got wider. And wider. And wider. The shouting of the keeper didn’t help with the reply being that Yellow weren’t going to win. Which should have meant limiting the damage then, surely? No, apparently not. All it meant was the biggest goal difference since records began and a rather rugby-looking result. And who’s Shirley?

Final score: Red 22 – 9 Yellow

February 10, 2013
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Match report: 03.02.13

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Red: Daniel, Ahmet, Jim, Keith, Rich, Tufan
Yellow: Oz, JP, Martin, Richard, Matt, Julius

What a turnout! 6-a-side. And we found a reasonably firm patch of ground though it did turn out to be a bit sticky. Better than slurry though. For the second time in a fortnight, someone injured themselves in the warm-up, this week Jim. However, he bravely opted to stay on goal for the game.
A good counter-attacking style from both sides, frequently leaving defences exposed. Red scored first after some quick pass and run stuff between Daniel and Ahmet with Daniel collecting and firing in across the goal. Yellow weren’t far behind though and promptly went 4-2 up. Sadly Keith then pulled up with a strain and couldn’t play on so Julius swapped sides to even things up. He’d been good for Yellow and was just as effective for Red as they fought back to 5-5 at half time, combining with Rich down the right wing and Tufan up front. It got a bit one sided after the break. Red cruised to a 10-5 lead, using the extra man mercilessly. Oz felt a twinge but managed to play on. Jim then volunteered to go in goal for Yellow for the last ten minutes so they had the extra man…and they promptly got two quick goals. Did they have it in them to turn it around? No. Red popped in a couple more to finish them off.
The changing of players at various intervals (which couldn’t be helped) seemed to take a bit of out momentum out of the game. JP, Matt and Martin struggled to capitalise from their numerous attacks, thwarted by some poor finishing but mostly because Jim pulled off an amazing number of saves. Richard should have been quaking in his boots, his award in jeopardy perhaps? Nope – he was up the other end doing exactly the same. I also saw something never seen before on the Rye – JP sprinting back as fast as his legs could carry him to make up for an absent defence! He got there just in time too to thwart the three man Red attack closing down on the Yellow goal. Sterling work.
A hatrick for Daniel and at least the same for Julius and Tufan. I don’t always put a man of the match in the report so this week, I’m putting in three. Jim and Richard for their efforts in goal – a masterclass at both ends, and Julius – undeniably ruthless for both teams.

Final score: Red 12 – 7 Yellow

February 3, 2013
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Match report: 27.01.13

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Yellow (7): Richard, Jim, Kevin, Gerald, Julius, Chris, Ben
Red (6): Tufan, Colin, Daniel, Ahmet, Prit, Nick

Nine of us joined by four of them. Just in case the melting snow wasn’t enough, a good overnight downpour ensured the Rye was very waterlogged.

Impressive start by Yellow who kept possession and pinged the ball around like Spain for the first ten minutes but could find no way through. Eventually mid way through the half Red broke the deadlock and promptly went 3-0 up. Then, one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. Nick sprinted back to help hinder a Yellow attack but just before he got to the lose ball and with no one else particularly near, his foot caught in the turf and flipped him so quickly that he couldn’t raise his arms in time to break the fall and he landed hard, face first in the soggiest patch on the pitch. Buster Keaton would have been proud.

We moved the pitch at half time because it had become a bog. The new one became just as bad in five minutes, but it was tiny so we stopped five minutes in and increased the size. Red lost Nick, he damaged his ankle in the fall. And Ben from Yellow departed too for reasons unclear. It was a very close game, both teams fighting hard for the win but with about two minutes to go (and for the second week in a row) the winning goal came in the last couple of minutes. It’s two weeks since I started writing this report, saving drafts along the way, but I’m sure it was Julius who won it, poking in the loose ball that had dribbled out of the melee in front of the Red goal.

Final score: Yellow 7 – 6 Red

 

 

January 28, 2013
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