Match reports

Yellow: JP, Ahmet, Martin, Richard, Julius, Gerald, Phil
Red: Tufan, Daniel, Oz, Matt, Larry, Alan, Danny

Yellow: Richard, Kevin, Daniel, Matt, Colin
Red: Oz, Ahmet, JP, Tufan

For the first 15 minutes.

Muddy. Even though it hadn’t rained much when I confirmed the game late on Friday night, it then decided to rain consistently so the ‘firm’ pitch from last week was not, as I had foretold, better. However, despite three comments trying to attribute blame in my direction under some misguided, though flattering, assumption that as El Capitano I am all powerful, I cannot alter the weather. And this swapping of players with late arrivals or people pulling out through injury during a game is playing havoc with my statistical records. What to do….?

Matt got us started with a calm finish but then Red pulled away to a 6-2 lead after 20 minutes with Tufan causing the most damage, surprising as they were a man down.

And then John arrived. For those not in the know, John has trouble with time. In 2011 he won the ‘Most likely to turn up late’ award (well-earned) yet he turned up a week EARLY for curry night.

So the teams changed to:

Yellow: Richard, Kevin, Daniel, Matt, Tufan
Red: Oz, Ahmet, JP, Colin, John

5-a-side. It’s just a blur of goals in my memory so in no particular order, things of note include…

• Tufan immediately scoring for his new paymasters to give them hope.

• Oz looking like a cow had shat on him after heading the ball that left a large splat of mud on his forehead. He also patted down a shot in a rather effeminate fashion, I was up the other end (fnar fnar) so missed the homophobic comments but still muttered something to myself about Larry Grayson.

• Matt cheering enthusiastically for number 53, one of the British Military Fitness people. Why he chose that particular man is anyone’s guess.

• Tufan with his back to goal on the left wing tried to flick a volley over the advancing keeper – stunning effort but the woodwork saved the blushes with the ball bouncing off the bar.

• The woodwork came to the rescue on least 9 occasions, deflecting the ball to safety each time.

• Several blind backheels, Matt being the instigator. None of them worked but the disease seemed to spread to the rest of the team.

• Colin’s ‘skip’ manoeuvre  down the wing that we’d seen a couple of weeks ago was met with a similar enthusiastic cheer when he bamboozled Daniel down the wing.

• JP has struggled to find the net since that goal against the Hairdressers on his return France but he was merely saving them up for today and couldn’t stop putting them in.

• An unfortunate own-goal from Kevin who earlier had mentioned Gareth Barry’s howler from yesterday.

Everything worked for Red, nowt for Yellow and the lead kept on increasing after the interruption. In response Yellow ploughed forward to restore at least some parity. It wasn’t to be found, but as a result neither was any defence so the gap got wider. And wider. And wider. The shouting of the keeper didn’t help with the reply being that Yellow weren’t going to win. Which should have meant limiting the damage then, surely? No, apparently not. All it meant was the biggest goal difference since records began and a rather rugby-looking result. And who’s Shirley?

Final score: Red 22 – 9 Yellow

Red: Daniel, Ahmet, Jim, Keith, Rich, Tufan
Yellow: Oz, JP, Martin, Richard, Matt, Julius

Yellow (7): Richard, Jim, Kevin, Gerald, Julius, Chris, Ben
Red (6): Tufan, Colin, Daniel, Ahmet, Prit, Nick

Nine of us joined by four of them. Just in case the melting snow wasn’t enough, a good overnight downpour ensured the Rye was very waterlogged.

Impressive start by Yellow who kept possession and pinged the ball around like Spain for the first ten minutes but could find no way through. Eventually mid way through the half Red broke the deadlock and promptly went 3-0 up. Then, one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. Nick sprinted back to help hinder a Yellow attack but just before he got to the lose ball and with no one else particularly near, his foot caught in the turf and flipped him so quickly that he couldn’t raise his arms in time to break the fall and he landed hard, face first in the soggiest patch on the pitch. Buster Keaton would have been proud.

We moved the pitch at half time because it had become a bog. The new one became just as bad in five minutes, but it was tiny so we stopped five minutes in and increased the size. Red lost Nick, he damaged his ankle in the fall. And Ben from Yellow departed too for reasons unclear. It was a very close game, both teams fighting hard for the win but with about two minutes to go (and for the second week in a row) the winning goal came in the last couple of minutes. It’s two weeks since I started writing this report, saving drafts along the way, but I’m sure it was Julius who won it, poking in the loose ball that had dribbled out of the melee in front of the Red goal.

Final score: Yellow 7 – 6 Red

Red: James, Martin, Ahmet, Daniel, Julius, JP, Gerald, Keith
Yellow: Steve, Prit, Oz, Toby, Rich, Tufan, John, Colin

16!!!! And with only one chap representing the other team, that’s the best turnout since July 1st last year. Steve was late, Ahmet was even later.
Snow underfoot and more falling from above. And the sub zero temperatures certainly added a firmness to the bog underneath – a bit like a crème brûlée. Once again, a lot to recall so the following is a bt piecemeal…..
Martin sadly managed to injure himself during the warm-up so went in goal. James followed suit after 25 minutes with a strain. It was too cold to hang around so they both left – get well soon chaps.
John graciously swapped sides to even it up but realised immediately that after facing the driving snow for most of the first half, he’d now have to do the same in the second half.
Red went 2-0 up within about five minutes even though they were a man down until Ahmet had arrived. Possibly because most of Yellow attacked whenever they had the ball – I recall Oz being a one man defence more than once.
Yellow clawed it back though including a controversial goal with them 4-3 down. Prit dribbled along the right wing and appeared to go beyond the very-hard-to-see markers so Red paused. However play carried on and Tufan shot with the ball landing on the line and being cleared. He claimed it had gone over so Red paused again only for Colin to fire in. Like I said, controversial and this all happened in about five seconds. 4-4, all to play for.
Julius took a corner and aimed at Ahmet who, while jumping, yanked off his hat in mid-air and nodded in – showboat move of the year?
JP surged forward with Tufan following closely behind. Rich tackled and JP tumbled into the snow and Tufan couldn’t stop in time so he tumbled over JP into the white stuff, amusing. And mildly satisfying for Daniel who ended up with the loose ball and fired in. Vindication for earlier when (for the second week in a row) he had a shot covered whilst in goal and saw a defender fluff their lines. Last week Colin, this time Gerald decided to get a touch to the ball and divert it just wide of his own diving keepers’ outstretched fingers.
JP was frequently frustrated up front by Colin who tracked back and thwarted him on many occasions.
Tufan was equally frustrated at the other end but not by defenders. His boots had given up last week so he’d donned astros…which were useless so he spent much of the game sprawled on the ground.
Steve turned up for only his second game since August and was his usual efficient self, linking well with Toby down the right who seems to come from the same school of thought – doesn’t lose possession. One to keep a wary eye on. But Keith was equally potent down the wing for Red.
Julius stroked in to draw Red level five minutes before the end. It was there for the taking.
So Yellow took it, releasing Colin with a long through ball and he dinked it past the out-rushing John and the ball gently rolled over the line.

Final score: Yellow 7 – 6 Red

Red: Keith, Oz, Matt, Rich, Pete, Alan, Chris, Phil, Stu, ?
Yellow: Kevin, Ahmet, Martin, Richard, Toby, Tufan, Colin, Daniel, Julius, Jim

Yellow: Oz, Kevin, Gerald, Tufan, Daniel, JP, Colin + three (Pete, Chris, Paddy)
Colours: Alan, Larry, Ben, Prit, Liam, Phil, Karim, David, Danny, Spurs fan (James?)

JP returns after a year away!!! He hasn’t kicked a ball since he left, he’s still wearing the same top, he still doesn’t have shin pads BUT he promised “No dragbacks!” Sacre bleu!!
Qu’est-ce qui se passe en France Monsieur?

A baptism of fire, slop and smell for JP. Very muddy and as we only had seven, we joined the other team. 10-a-side! And the smell? A strange cesspit overflow aroma pervaded the Rye. A timely reminder that we’re booked at the Mirash!
And would you believe it, a tasty through ball down the middle and JP fires with his first touch…and scores!!!! And if he’d been more clinical he could have a hatrick in the first five minutes. But that threat of no dragbacks? Yeah, it didn’t last long. Too many people on the pitch for me to recall everything. Oz and Pete were a central defensive twosome to be reckoned with, very little got past Kevin on the left, Chris distributed with aplomb from midfield and JP, Colin, Tufan and Paddy combined reasonably well in attack but were hindered by the awful the conditions. Daniel may well have not showed up such was his contribution to either attack of defence. But Gerald – what a stormer – Man of the Match for sure. Virtually nothing got past the right back and when in possession with them pressing he was Mr Calm, passing out of trouble without panic and so many tackles. They got moody towards the end out of frustration as several shots were wayward and with similar finishing at the other end it was a bit nervy in the closing stages. But Yellow held on for a dogged, resolute and just about deserved victory.

Final score: Yellow 1 – 0 Colours

And the last time with the same scoreline? 06.02.11. And the scorer – JP!!

Match abandoned. Only three people signed up (Keith, Oz, Daniel).

Match abandoned. Only four people signed up (Oz, Daniel, Richard Kevin).

Match abandoned. Only four people signed up (James, Kevin, Keith, Oz).