It was a dark, still and clear night. El Capitano was just finishing cooking in his kitchen when a draft blew out the candle on the table. Strange, he thought, there hasn’t been a breeze all evening. Just as he struck a match there was a single ominous chime of a church bell followed shortly afterwards by a noise at the door.
Knock………(long pause)……Knock……….(long pause)……….Knock.
She’s a bit early thought El Capitano, I haven’t even prepped my julienne of leeks. He undid the bow on his pinny, draped it on the back of a chair and walked to the door, taking a quick glance in the mirror as a he passed, pausing to lick his hand and smooth down a wayward whisker in his beard. He winked at the reflection and fired off an imaginary pistol with his finger.
He opened the door. There stood a tall figure in a black gown billowing in the breeze. A dark shadow was cast by the hood so no face could be seen and the sinister figure was holding a very large scythe. Dry ice emanating from a nearby pipe, swirled around the base of the figure.
Strange outfit for a second date, thought El Capitano, and I know I haven’t cut my grass for two weeks but it isn’t that long. He was just coming to the conclusion that the lady was bit weird, even for his standards, when the figure spoke.
“Are you El Capitano?”
Blimey, she’s more butch than I recall, thought El Capitano, but she’s obviously heard of my reputation though and I do like that deep voice, very dominating.
“Yes, I am El Capitano.”
“I’ve come for you and your team.”
Now I’m all for a bit of sharing but that’s a bit Premiership, even for me.
“Er, I thought it was just us? I’ve only cooked enough poussin for two.”
“I am Death.”
“Oh. Er….”
“I am not here for a dinner date.”
“Chess?”
“Ha ha – very amusing El Capitano. No. I’ve come for you and the Peckham Commoners.”
“I can’t tempt you with chess?”
“The bell has tolled El Capitano, your time is up.”
“Do you mind waiting just a second, my runner beans are simmering and they’re going to turn grey if I’m not careful.”
Before Death could answer, El Capitano shut the door and ran to the phone and rapidly dialled a number.
“Please pick up! Please pick up!”
The phone rang and rang and just when he was about to give up, a voice answered.
“Bonjour?”
“JP?”
“Oui?”
El Capitano relayed the story of recent attendance and the arrival of Death.
“Sacre bleu! Je retour tout suite!”
Except this was like waiting for a pass from JP or like the Monty Python and the Holy Grail scene when the charging knight coming to save the fair maiden doesn’t actually get any closer, similes that JP’s return is three months away (the fair maiden represents the Peckham Commoners – read into that what you will). But Death didn’t know this and after El Capitano had explained that the Peckham Commoners weren’t dead yet because aside from JP, more people would turn up soon. Ed’s done some scouting in the Congo, Matt has just played his last game of cricket of the season (they both chuckled when El Capitano quipped that Death must be quite busy during the cricket season with so many people dying of of boredom) and Jim keeps threatening to return from injury.
As Daniel’s date never showed up, they shared a tasty dinner of roasted poussin and a delectable cheese board. The fire crackled and just as an awkward silence was about to decend, El Capitano spoke….
“Chess?”
“Oh go on then…”
A rather long story to reflect the shadow of Peckham Commoners’ imminent demise if we don’t replace departees with new blood. And we all know that Ingmar Bergman’s game of chess was only a delaying tactic. Any ideas or suggestions welcome. Or you can just play more often and/or introduce new people. The subject of….(cough)…..I can’t physically say the word without a chill shivering down my back…..j……..joi…….(heave)….joining the two teams was actually suggested today, by both teams! I know we all have commitments/children/wives/injuries etc etc, but five of the last seven games have either been abandoned or an amalgamation of the two teams. The writing is on the wall.
The actual match report:
Red: Oz, Daniel, James, Arnie, Lee, Jonny, Zavier, Danny, Mohammed
Yellow: Tufan, Tim, Richard N, Liam, Rob, Tom, Alan, Phil, Prit
Six Peckham Commoners were literally just about to start a meagre three a-side (the start of which was only delayed by – yes, you’ve guessed it, the ins and outs of the one touch rule) when they invited us to make up the numbers for a nine-a-side game. I don’t have a footballing mind (Collective shock…No!) and so can’t do justice to the game. This week, it was the Red team who could pass and Yellow who couldn’t – a strange hangover from last week. Yellow played with two defenders and six attackers whilst Red opted for a three-four-one formation which unsurprisingly worked a treat. Red opened the scoring, Yellow were quick to reply but then Red romped away with the only response coming from another cock-up from Daniel in goal (they allow passbacks to be picked-up) and James somehow fumbled a shot he saved over the line. However, consistent good passing, attacks and defending from both these two and the rest of the team saved their blushes. Yellow became demoralised and the goals rolled in.
Final score: Red 9 – 3 Yellow