It’s taken 25 years into the 21st century for us to move into the 21st century, Welcome Flo…our first female player!
Much hokey-cokey with the squad list but eventually 11 showed up.
JP and Dan braved the M25 closure.
Colin came from Devon for his first game since 2021.
Jeremy picked dubious teams.
The rain stopped just as we started.

Red (5): Jim, Adam, Joseph, Dan, JP
Yellow (6): Jeremy, Colin, Flo, Matt, Tufan, Jared

In no particular order things went thus…

Yellow got two quick goals so Matt asked what the record score was.
Joseph headed a wonderful goal…into his own net.
JP played keepy-uppy and swivelled to volley in, nice.
Adam rabona’d a cross in to….no one, side netting? It deserves a mention.
Jim launched a goal kick, it went over Jeremy, it bounced over Colin and Daniel swiped at the ball and in it went off the post.
To return the favour, Daniel shot at goal, it was off target but Jim side-footed in at the far post.
JP fired in a rocket from the right channel.
Joseph handballed a shot off the line, Jared scored the penalty.
Jeremy “handballed” a shot at the other end. It was a soft decision but Joseph also scored that penalty.
Daniel evaded some defensive tackles with tricksy fluky footwork to lay off for Adam to side-foot in.
At half time Matt offered one, maybe two, of their players.
Adam tidied up some very gloopy dog poo. He also realised the calibre of integrity on the pitch as everyone stepped away and left him to it.
“It’s only a goal if you defend it for however many minutes” was prophetic advice several times.
A Red clearance ricocheted off a Yellow attacker back into the Red goal.
Someone cynically tripped Tufan
Matt saved a point blank shot with his head.
JP fired a low shot with Daniel putting Jeremy off so he misjudged the trajectory, fell over, and the ball rolled gently in behind him.
Yellow seemed to side foot into an empty goal a few times…attacking en masse, they usually had a man leftover and made the most of him.
It was a great game, very open, fast, counter-attacking and despite the score fairly even possession.
With the above description you’d be forgiven for thinking that Red won because I can barely recall a single Yellow goal, but they did score 14 of them. I asked for input…they mentioned a JP goal and dog poo.
Matt, the highest scoring Pagan game was 18-17. This one was 13 goals short.

Final score: Yellow 14 – 8 Red

Red (9): Gerald, Jared, Dan, Jack, Ned, Wilkie, JP, Jim, Adam

Yellow (8): Paul, Jeremy, James, Kevin, Henrik, John, Tufan, Felix

A hot morning that only got hotter. A great turnout…17! And an introduction of teenage youth (that certainly questioned the experience of the old-timers) including debuts for Henrik and Ned, and a first start for Felix, having previously come on as a sub back in June 2019…when he scored!

It took one minute to decide the pitch was too small. Both teams went at it. Long balls a-aplenty to cause havoc up front but no havoc was caused. Felix and Ned, the youngest additions, were put on opposing left wings and created problems….they were too dangerous not to have been marked. Wilkie and JP controlled the Red attack, JP missing a quartet of reasonable chances. Eventually he dribbled down the right, drove in along the goalline and having done all the hard work, cut the ball back for Jared to tap in. A cagey scoreline for quite an open game.

1-0 to Red at half time.

Paul decided to venture forward more in the second half and after a trademark drive forward was cruelly denied with his rocket pinging off the keepers leg. Jim hit a squared ball first time that needed an equally impressive reaction save from…I think it was Kevin, to keep it out. JP snatched on a mistake between Kevin and Jeremy to poke in his first and then with everyone tiring he ended up first to a loose ball and with space to compose himself he sent the keeper the wrong way and stroked in for a second.  And the for the first time in years a clean shee…oh hang on. A speculative Yellow ball came into the box, ricocheted off James’s chest and flew in just as the clock beeped. A goal that justified their numerically disadvantaged endeavours.

Final score: Red 3-1 Yellow

 

Red: Tufan, Jeremy, Gerald, Jared, Matt
Yellow: Paul, James, Adam, Dan, JP

A slow uptake eventually became 5-a-side…believe!

The night before Jeremy said the going was fair to soft. An overnight deluge made it soft. And wet. And muddy and the rain continued as we kicked off.

The first half of the first half was scrappy, both teams struggling to read the pitch. Red were more assured and pressed hard whilst Yellow kept making silly mistakes…too short passes, inaccurate passes, passes across the back. Eventually the 0-0 deadlock was broken, Red broke down a Yellow attack and released Tufan down the right channel who fired low into the bottom far corner. 10 minutes later he repeated  the exact same break and within five minutes they were three up. Our canine interrupter this match was a lovely young Alsatian. Twice.

Yellow decided to press and shoot in the second half but whilst dealing with a red corner Paul deflected a corner between the post and his keeper for an own goal. 4-0 within two minutes of the re-start.

Jeremy hoisted a route one ball over the top and Tufan pounced on the less than committed defender and keeper duo to stroke home.

Amongst the tit-for-tat scoring Adam scored a lovely rising back-spinning drive that took a couple of light deflections on the way into the postage stamp of the top corner. Tasty. This was surpassed by Gerald taking the ball out to the right wing and lofting a lovely arcing ball that soared over the Yellow defence and in.

Matt and Gerald both chalked up a couple of great saves, Matt’s probably edging it with lightening reaction from a JP header, low back where it came from, did everything right.

Paul lobbed in from 20 yards, JP slotted in after some nice passing. In a melee Daniel shot twice and the eventual deflection fell for James who slotted in to bring the deficit to one with three minutes to go.

Good fun. Second half defo better than first.

Final score: Red 6 – 5 Yellow

Red: Richard, Jeremy, Matt, Tufan

Yellow: Daniel, Paul, James, John

Six and a half months later I’ve just retrieved the summary below from my phone:

Bobble from hell.

Jeremy headed in.

Daniel got a rapid two and a goal-line clearance.

It stopped there and they punished the second of two weak crossfield passes.

Dog, ball, cone.

Heat map.

Bobbles.

Frosty.

HT 2 – 6

Final score: Yellow 5 – 10 Red

Red: Daniel, Adam, Gerald, Matt, Richard, JP

Yellow: Jack, James, Jeremy, Jared, Tufan

 

Nine months later and this is all I have….Make of it what you will.

Matt scored five five, including a lovely curler, and a lob over Jack (he mused that four goals should be called a Matttrick, thankfully he scored five).

Dan scored one, a richochet off Jack and Jared. This was cancelled out by an own goal off his bum.

Richard, Jack and Dan all tumbled while treading on the too-soft ball.

Gerald save

JP on tufan – no penalty

JP handball – penalty Tufan

Tufan one touch route one…came over his right shoulder and volleyed in…nice.

2-2 half time

Tufan open goal

Carry one [?]

 

Final score: Red 9-4 Yellow

Red: Jack, Adam, Dan, Richard, James
Yellow: JP, Jeremy, Tufan, Jared

Gerald cancelled, leaving Jared to be dropped of at Jeremy’s. Only Jared didn’t get the message and arrived at the lock-up on his own leaving Jeremy waiting somewhere, like an unpopular prostitute. James returned after a serious surfing injury…he can pee!! And along with Tufan recovering in time for the game, they both said they’d take it easy. We found a very bobbly pitch and that excuse was used for almost every touch.

Richard turned in the box and shot, nutmegging the defender and keeper. Two swift replies came on the break, Tufan committing the keeper and passed for JP to side foot in and a minute later the favour was returned, a through ball from JP evaded the defence leaving an un-marked Tufan at the back post for the simplest tap-in. Richard got an equaliser to leave it all 2 – 2 at the break. James and Tufan definitely weren’t taking it easy.
JP and Jared put Yellow 4 – 2 up. Jeremy realised his aerial balls were causing chaos in the box so launched a barrage in the second half,…throw ins, goal kicks, the whole shebang. Sadly the new tactic backfired. With numbers pushing up to get on the end of the high balls, they were left short at the back and Red profitted with quick counter-attacks. Daniel diverted in a shot from Jack who insisted it was going in anyway, the opposition clarified that it definitely wasn’t. He got another too and with Richard and Adam adding to the goals they scored four without reply. Jared got a gnat’s willy of a touch on one of Jeremy’s bombardment to keep the game on a knife-edge but mostly it was just chaos in the box. Whilst being closed down from either side on another break, Daniel chose to shoot early and Jeremy could do nothing to stop the goalbound shot. JP roared with ecstasy thinking he’d equalised with the clocking ticking down. He also dished out some uncharacteristic defending advice. Red, despite repeated yelling to just keep possession in the last few minutes, couldn’t. But yellow were unable to take advantage and the whistle blew. As we packed up it was pointed out to J happy-with-a-draw P that Yellow had still been a goal down. He took it well.

A hattrick of hattricks for Richard, JP and Dan.

Final score: Red: 7 – 6 Yellow

Football Quotient 2021:

1st – Jeremy (103.5)
2nd – Kevin (89)
3rd – Daniel (85)

 
Cumulative Pagan Totals: 2015 to 2021, 27 games
 
Attendance:
26 Tufan
25 Daniel
24 Jeremy

 
Win percentage: 
65% Paul
63% Richard Norman
62% Jim

 
Goal Difference
+40 Richard Piper
+22 Paul
+20 Daniel

 
Funds: 
+£105 carried over from last year
+£78 subs collected
-£4 spent on pump
-£20 spent on scratch cards
+£19 winnings
Total: +£178

 

Red: Jared, Paul, Jack, Dan, Jeremy
Yellow: Richard P, Gerald, Tufan, JP, Matt

Surprisingly warm. A busy pitch but we found a spot and wayward shots didn’t interrupt the other games as much as predicted. Mainly because they went out for throws. 

An early red attack forced yellow to volley back to the keeper and unable to catch it, Matt caught it between his knees. Sadly for him that was as glorious as it got. Shortly after Tufan was dispossessed by Paul on the half way line and he sent the chipped shot over Matt who could only watch as it soared in. Can’t remember much else.

Shortly after the break, Paul ghosted in to meet a cross and nod in. Daniel was sent up to cause some bother and, as JP later said, he played like a Danish international. The first chance came from a bouncing release down the left. He hooked it up on the half-volley from about half way (accompanied by a collective gasp of surprise, initially at the audacity but then in surprise and hopeful expectance at it being on target) but Tufan was alert and back-pedalled just enough to tip the arcing ball over the bar. Sent down the right on his next foray, he drove hard and Tufan got a finger tip to the rising shot and it skimmed behind off the bar. A couple more less notable efforts came and went and he was hooked back into defence when Paul finished his keeping shift.

Yellow kept up the attacks….Matt shot with JP free at the far post and JP, with the goal mouth gaping, skewed an attempt wide. Paul had been ruthless for Red and these wasted opportunities meant the comeback wasn’t to be.

Final score: Red 5 – 3 Yellow

After the game JP pondered the need for a post-match therapist. And after lunch Matt questioned his teaching ability as he bumped into yet another formal pupil working in a pub. Tasty lunch at the Montpelier with a variety of subjects covered, Boris, cancel culture, Jeremy’s desire to not have a wiki page, Tufan’s geo-thermal problems, JP’s musings on the subject of his book, The Male Gaze (or Gays – which one was it?)

 

Yellow: Dan, Richard, Colin, Gerald, JP
Red: Kevin, Jeremy, Oz, James

…was the first line-up of teams but then we faced up to each other and agreed an imbalance. Hence the game actually started:

Red (5): Dan, Richard, Oz, Kevin, Jeremy
Yellow (4): James, Colin, JP, Gerald

And what a decision that turned out to be!

Dodgy notes taken down whilst stuck in traffic en route home before lost in my ephemeral short-term memory mean that some details are hazy at best, and as I write this three months later, are certainly not in the order of play

Colin appeared for his first game since June 2018 whilst Tufan missed his first ever pagan game! In a reflection of our passing years we have recorded our first divorce and have a second in the pipline though both chaps seem rather chipper on the subject! Someone mentioned their offspring was using one of Gerald’s books for their course and suggested he sign the copy. We didn’t change the pitch size! I know!!! And we haven’t even kicked off yet!
Anyway, onto the game….

Someone shot and from miles away and James heroically came sliding in to block the goal-bound ball. However he carried on sliding and the ball rolled in behind him. Oz got a neat chip. Richard scored from a tight angle. James shot and nutmegged Daniel in goal (who really should have done better). JP also nutmegged Daniel in goal who also deflected a corner in off his back for an own goal, thus completing a hatrick to the oppostion. Remember that – a hatrick against his own team.
Gerald pre-empted a coming-together by howling in pain as they both fell to the ground but after a second he realised he was fine. JP appealed for a penalty after being felled but the defender did just get a toe to the ball. Having taken possession at the back, Gerald dawdled. I say dawdled, it was more of a complete stop. Who should he pass to? Was he troubled by the plot of Ulysses? Anyway, Kevin nicked the ball off him and stroked into the empty net. Gerald’s team mates looking very bemused. But apparently they had a three point plan. What those three points were never revealed but JP did confess two weeks later that it was a high team morale up until the final whistle. Without Daniel in defence, Jeremy was a rock at the back. Daniel made amends with a speedy run down the wing and sending in an inch perfect cross for Oz to volley in and with the last attack finally fired in one of his own, so he’s not completely shit, contributing just three to the opposition. Remember that….three.

Final score: Red 14 – 3 Yellow

That’s right, Yellow didn’t score without Daniel’s help….a truly calamitous game for the captain. Yet he still won.

Red (6): Oz, James, Gerald, Jared, Daniel, Richard
Yellow (5): Kevin, Jeremy, JP, Jack, Tufan,

Red kicked off and after three or four passes the ball fell for Jack who fired in with his first touch past Daniel who was still fumbling to get his gloves because no one else in this squad seems to be able to press the start button on timer.
JP promptly made it two and then whilst jumping with Richard in goal at the high ball from Kevin it bounced out of the kafuffle and in off Daniel’s shin or was it already over the line? One for VAR. Oz eventually fired one in reply but that was the pattern, Yellow like a stripper, teasing Red of what could be. But like a pro, never letting them get within reach.
Daniel tapped in a cross to make it 3-2, JP struck another and then another for 5-2 and Richard restored brief hope at 5-3.

Red were awarded a free kick after JP said “boo!” into Richard’s ear as he was about to pull the trigger. Red weren’t shy and everyone had plenty of shots but coupled with a numerous blocks including by JP (!!) and Jack making a good number of saves, they just couldn’t put them away. At the other end Jeremy hit the woodwork twice but otherwise they were ruthless, taking advantage of numerous passing errors in Red defence….you know who you are!

With Red flooding forward to restore some pride they were dispossessed. JP will argue he passed the ball but in truth he skewed his shot from distance at the empty goal but Tufan was on hand to receive the errant ball and stroke into the empty net to complete the rout.

Red 3 – 6 Yellow